Yes, my friends, I believe the time has come to announce my candidacy for President of these great United State of America. I know most of you have… umm… that is to say, a great many of you… well, certainly some of you… or… I’m pretty sure there’s got to be at least one crackpot… I mean… individual… who has long awaited this announcement. So I give you leave to blow your kazoo and doff your groucho glasses and throw festive confetti (no, no, not the shredded newspapers from the bottom of the hamster cage … surely you can find something else…oh, never mind…) into the air with wild abandon, for now is the time for celebration. THE WINGOOV HAS ARRIVED.

After recent… hell, after YEARS… of unholy abuse (I was going to write “unholy shenanigans” – but “shenanigans” is too awesome a word to use on the likes of…