I woke up in the dark,
thinking my thoughts,
finishing conversations
in my head and presenting
my bullet points to prove
I’m right, then – snap! –
in an instant all of the talking
in my head stopped
and Love said, “I am here.”
I am humbled by Love.
– Karen Molenaar Terrell
July 26:
Magic, my friends! I got out of bed (I was sorely tempted to stay there) and the Cosmos rewarded me with bounteous gifts!
My original thought was to go to Fred’s for some quick grocery-shopping – I wanted eggs to make a quiche – but when I got to the roundabout I found myself taking the exit to I-5, heading south to Mount Vernon. And when I got to Mount Vernon I discovered there was a Farmers Market going on there.
What a happy place! – fresh fruits and veggies, woodcraft and art, honey and baked goods, kind people and smiling babies, and music!
I bought a bracelet from Jess, raspberries from Harrison, and honey from Jen. And I found perfect magic when I heard a beautiful voice singing under the busker’s tent. Isabella is a gifted musician – and, as it turns out, she wasn’t even the featured artist! The musician actually scheduled to play had loaned Isabella his guitar, and invited her to sing a song. Isabella has only been playing guitar for a year, and she’s still in high school – but she has the presence and poise of a professional performer. I was blown away by her music.
As I was about to leave, I saw my dear friend, Claudia, sitting on a bench, waiting for a bus. I haven’t seen Claudia for months and I’ve missed her – so to find her, unexpectedly, at the Farmers Market was another gift from the Cosmos. We hugged and greeted each other, and she told me what she’d been able to find at the Farmers Market – this included eggs. “Eggs! I was going to stop at Fred’s and get eggs! Are there eggs here?!” Claudia pointed towards the market and I could clearly see a sign for “EGGS” – how I’d missed this before, I do not know.
I hugged Claudia good bye as she went to get on her bus, and then I went to fetch myself some eggs from John at his stand.
When I turned around, I saw another dear friend – Ann – standing in front of me! Ann and I hugged and sat on the bench and got caught up – talked about family and life. Ann has a calm, gentle presence, and I think the Cosmos must have known that’s what I needed today.
I have now made quiche from the eggs John sold me, and raspberry jam from the raspberries I bought from the Lopez farmstand.
I’m so glad I got out of bed today. Magic was waiting for me!
Pictured in the collage: Clark, Apolonia, Dru, Harrison, Jess, John, Jen, Roberta, and officers from the Mount Vernon Police Dept.
Also pictured: Logan, LDS missionaries Watkins and Hawkins; Isabella singing.
I met so many lovely people on our trip to California.
Scott and I got to the parking lot later than we’d expected because the exit off-ramp from I-5 to Sea-Tac was closed and we had to find a different route. But, as Scott pointed out, if we’d hadn’t gotten there later we might not have had Jose as our shuttle driver, and that would have been a huge loss for us. As soon as I saw Jose I recognized him as the driver I’d had before who had sung to us on the drive to the airport. (I posted a video of him on Facebook singing to us.) I reintroduced myself and asked Jose if he was going to sing to us again. Jose smiled and said he always sang. So we got to start our trip with the accompaniment of Jose’s wonderful singing.
We spent most of our time in California in and around Venice. One of our first adventures was a trip to Fishermen’s Village, and it was there that I met Cindy, who was manning the window at the creperie restaurant. Cindy was kind and helpful as I tried to navigate working with one hand – I had my grandbaby resting on one arm, and my purse dangling from my other arm, and Cindy could see before I did that I was going to need help putting the straw in little Linh’s lemonade. So she ripped off the paper from one end of the straw and then held the straw for me so I could pull it out. Team work!
After our visit to Fishermen’s Village, our son guided us up to the top of Marine Park, where there was a great viewpoint of LA in the valley below. On the short hike to the viewpoint I passed a young man with a great shirt that read: “NATIONAL SARCASTIC SOCIETY: LIKE WE NEED YOUR SUPPORT.” I stopped him to read the shirt again, and started laughing. “I have found my people!” I told him. He laughed with me, and I introduced myself as “Karen, of course” and he introduced himself as Diego.
The next day we spent time just taking in Venice. I got a mango juice at a juicery and we met Nancy, the owner of the shop, who is, like my daughter-in-law, of Viet heritage. My daughter-in-law asked Nancy if she spoke Vietnamese – she’s always looking for an opportunity to practice her parents’ first language – and pretty soon the two of them were carrying on a lively conversation – that was so cool!
While we waited in line, another woman, Iliana, got in line to order something. When I was handed my mango juice, I tipped the cup and a little juice splattered down my front. I didn’t noticed, but Iliano took care of me – she looked over and said, “Careful there.” Iliana saved me from making a bigger mess of myself. Like us, Iliana wanted to order from an actual person, rather than from the computer, but, when a couple of other people stepped in front of her to use the computer, I was worried that the juice workers weren’t going to be able to see her. My daughter-in-law picked up on my worries, and let the server know that Iliana was there. I told Iliana, “You took care of me, and now we’re taking care of you.” Iliana grinned. When we left we all wished each other a good day.
We passed the Washington Square Pizza, where a man was wearing a plackard for the pizza shop that read “KISS’N COSTS EXTRA $5” to attract people into the restaurant. He was a character with comic timing. When I asked for his name, he said just tag it “Washington Square Pizza.” He added that instead of making money for the restaurant he feared he might have actually lost them money, and he really hoped he wasn’t going to get fired on his first day.
We stopped at the Lavender and Truffles Dairy Free Ice Cream shop, where our son treated us to ice creams, and where we met the delightful owner, Alicia. The shop was a little oasis of calm and peace – a cool respite from the heat, and with soothing and beautiful artwork on the walls. It was a restful stop on a busy day.
Yesterday we traveled back to Sea-Tac. (I think right after we arrived at Sea-Tac, the airline grounded all planes for a few hours – we were blessed to leave LAX when we did.)
Waiting in line at LAX to get through security, there was a family ahead of us – a woman of about my age (she looked like the grandma version of Leslie Uggams), a younger man and woman, and two young girls. I took an instant liking to this family. The youngest one reminded me a little of my granddaughter – lively and observant and chatty. The older woman – maybe her grandma? – remarked to me that “she never stops talking.” I started laughing. At one point the little girl pulled on one of the security ropes and it snapped undone. Her family looked back nervously, and I said, “I think I can fix that for you.” I grabbed the free end of the rope and slid it into its track and it was back to itself. The grandma turned and smiled and thanked me. Getting through security can be a long process, and I voiced this to the grandma. I added, “And it can be kind of scary. But we’re going to be okay.” The grandma nodded her head once, empathically, and said, “We’re going to be just fine.” If I’d had doubts before, I didn’t after that head nod.
A man in his thirties a little ahead of me in the line, was soon next to me as the line wove back-and-forth through the security ropes. I noticed his shirt. It said “Altadena” on it. I felt my eyes tearing up. “Are you from Altadena?” I asked. He nodded and brought his hand to his chest in a gesture that thanked me for asking. He said he’d lost his home in the fire – the whole town was gone. I told him I’d heard from people who’d known Altadena that it had been a wonderful community. The man nodded, and said, “A secret.” As he moved passed me we smiled at each other one more time, and wished each other good travels.
The plane ride home was pretty quick and uneventful. I was sitting in the middle seat – Scott on my right by the window, and another man on my left. Once again, I had good seat companions. The man to my left was watching “Living on the Spectrum” on his i-phone. The man one row ahead of me and to the left was watching a sci-fi movie. The young woman one row ahead of me and to the right was watching “Creed.” I found my eyes flicking from one to the other, watching their shows with them. When we landed, I let them know what I’d been up to, and they all started laughing. “When you get bored, you just go to another show,” the man who’d been watching “Prometheus” (the prequel to “Alien”) told me. I thanked the man who’d been sitting to my left for being a good seat mate, and he smiled and said, “Likewise.”
And guess who was driving our shuttlebus when we got there?! Jose normally has Sundays off, but he’d been called in to work for someone who couldn’t make it in – so there was Jose! He grinned when he saw me, and I grinned back. A young man in his early thirties sat down in the seat opposite us, and I told him he was going to get to hear Jose sing. He was up for that! The young man, Keith, had the same energy as my sons, and we were soon in conversation about outdoor adventures, and the people I knew in his hometown of Port Townsend, and Scott and I learned that Keith had started a non-profit in Port Townsend to help in food production. How cool is that?!
Jose returned us safely to our car, singing all the way. And so our journey ended as it had begun – with the voice of Jose assuring us the world is good.
Here’s the clip I made of Jose singing to us (Youtube): https://youtu.be/n6xDZol0aig
Dentist appointment in Sedro today for a cleaning and a check.
I got there early and noticed that a couple people who came after me were getting ushered into their appointments. I also noted that my file seemed to be in the back. “Well, I probably should move my file to the front!” I thought, and went over to the files to do that. (I know. I am such a Karen.) But then I realized that the files weren’t just put there randomly – there were specific slots and mine was in the right one for me. So then I felt ashamed that I’d been all in a harrumph about this. (It’s so embarrassing being a Karen.)
Right after that my hygienist, Renee, came to fetch me. I apologized for my rudeness, but she hadn’t seen any of what I’d been up to, and told me not to worry about it. Renee is new there, and she was great – efficient, professional, talked to me about what she was doing while she did it. She said the best part of the job is meeting the people, hearing their stories, and sharing hers. (And she told me that my gums and teeth were beautiful, and I should keep up the good work. 
)
Hansrolf, my dentist, came in then to look over my x-rays and check out my teeth. I told him about my earlier rudeness and he started laughing. “You gotta be careful about moving your file into other slots or you’ll find yourself getting a root canal!” he said.
I told him, “Don’t laugh, but I used Christian Science voodoo to heal my root canal problem a few weeks ago.” He laughed. (I’ve found that whenever I start a sentence with “don’t laugh” the funnest people always start laughing immediately.) He hadn’t checked the periodontist’s report, yet, but did then. He told me everything looked fine. And, regarding my “CS voodoo,” he said that if something works for someone, who is he to question it? He asked me if anything hurt. I said no. He said, “Well, if it’s not broken, we don’t need to fix it.”
When I left, I stopped off at the receptionist and apologized for messing with the files. She smiled and told me not to worry about this. I’d done nothing wrong. It was all good.
Whew!
Another patient left right before me, and when I followed her out she turned around and asked me if we knew each other. I felt like we did. We asked each other questions – workplaces, neighborhoods, etc. We decided that maybe we didn’t know each other after all, but acknowledged that it was nice to meet each other now. As I turned to leave, she yelled, “Wait! What’s your dad’s name?” I told her “Dee Molenaar.” She asked me if I’d posted stories about him on Facebook. I told her I had. She said she’d bought the book about the adventures I’d had with Dad in the last years of his life, and she said it had meant a lot to her. She started tearing up then. She said my stories had helped her as she navigated the last years of HER father’s life with him. She’d taken her dad on drives, too.
I asked her if I could have a hug, and we hugged, right there, on the corner of Metcalf and State. I told my new friend, Lisa, that her words had meant a lot to me. And they had. It was like Love had sent me this sweet message right when I needed a reminder that I’m okay.
I started back to my car. I peeked into The Mountain Shop as I went by and saw the owner of the shop – my friend, Craig, in there. Craig introduced me to Nima, a mountaineering sherpa, and told Nima a little about my mountaineering dad. It was lovely to see Craig again, and lovely to meet Nima.
There’s this alley on Metcalf, that has a canopy of rainbow-colored umbrellas strung across it. I stood there for a moment – just watching the umbrellas move in the breeze. It was peaceful there.
I’d been a little nervous about going to my dental appointment. I’d been tempted to cancel because I have so much else going on right now. But I’m glad I didn’t cancel. Look at all the reassurances from Love that awaited me!
I feel the shadow of depression
moving in and I’m filled
with dread and fear –
my instinct to turn and flee.
But instead I pause, take a breath,
and face the shadow – see
it for what it is – just a cloud
floating by. It will pass.
It won’t last.
But I will.
– Karen Molenaar Terrell
I have a post on my Facebook wall about trauma – how we shouldn’t expect others to admit to the trauma they’ve caused us, and that it’s enough to know that we deserved more (via MJ Schweiker in “The Feral Spiritualists” group) . And I just need to say this – in my long life, I’m guessing that *I* have been a trauma-giver myself at times. I can imagine saying or doing something thoughtlessly – never with the intent to hurt, but just without thought – and I hope that anyone I might have unintentionally hurt will forgive me, and know that you didn’t deserve to be hurt – that the burden for that hurt lies with me, not you.
Sidenote: Recognizing my own human fallibility and flaws has been a huge gift to me. It’s made it easier for me to forgive others THEIR flaws and foibles. I think most of us are doing the best we can – sometimes under very difficult and challenging circumstances – sometimes in situations where it might not have seemed clear what was “right” and what was “wrong.”
I think if we start with Love, and let Love lead us, we’ll find ourselves in heaven right here. And that’s what I wish for everyone.
“The kingdom of heaven is within you.” – Jesus
“And forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors.” – Jesus
“And Love is reflected in love.” – Mary Baker Eddy
(Photo of Mount Shuksan by Karen Molenaar Terrell.)
A dear friend asks me “Why?
Where was God?”
And I struggle to find an answer.
I try to go metaphysical –
“Darkness doesn’t have a source,”
I say. “It’s just the absence of light.”
I say, “Blaming God, Love, for this
is like blaming the light
for the darkness –
blaming Love for hate,
blaming Truth for lies.”
And I believe what I’m saying, but…
I don’t have the magic words
that are going to ease the pain,
mend broken hearts, bring clarity
to what’s unfathomable.
Here’s what I have: I can love.
I can love like there’s no tomorrow.
And that’s what I offer.
Love is here.
– Karen Molenaar Terrell
“And, behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and brake in pieces the rocks before the Lord; but the Lord was not in the wind: and after the wind an earthquake; but the Lord was not in the earthquake:And after the earthquake a fire; but the Lord was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice.”
– I Kings
Feel the presence of Love,
surrounding, abounding,
infinite, undiluted, never-ending
Good, filling all space and thought.
Behold the light rising on a new day,
steadily filling the darkness as it comes –
irresistible, unstoppable, invincible,
unflappable.
The birds stir and sing in a new morning.
A gentle breeze filled with the fragrance
of sweet life wafts by us.
The world wakes.
-Karen Molenaar Terrell
Before the day begins
before the headlines and breaking news
I wake in the quiet of the middle of the night,
climb into the lap of universal Mother-Love
and feel her pull me close,
comforting, assuring,
“All is well. All, all is well.”
I nestle in under Her shoulder,
and feel the vibrations of Love’s cosmic humming.
The light is beginning to fill the sky now
and I prepare for the new day
with Love’s assurance still with me,
“All is well. All, all is well.”
– Karen Molenaar Terrell
I’ve been hesitant to share this because I’m not sure how people will react to it, but… what the heck, right? I think it would be shameful if I let my cowardice prevent me from expressing my gratitude.
A couple of weeks ago I began feeling a pain in my tooth that felt suspiciously like the pain I’d had that had led to a root canal a few years ago. Two weeks ago on Friday I ate something hot and the nagging pain went to a throbbing pain that lasted for hours. My dentist’s office isn’t open on Fridays, or the weekend, so going to the dentist was not an option for me.
I reached out to a Christian Science practitioner for her prayerful support, and very soon I felt the pain diminishing. She gave me some thoughts to work with on the topic of “substance.” As I prayed, I focused on these three ideas: 1) Love, God, made everything, and everything Love made was good. So there is no bad substance. 2) There is no lack or limitation of good substance because Love is infinite and unlimited. 3) Disease is unnatural. This became my mantra – “There’s no bad substance. There’s no lack of good substance. Disease is unnatural.”
At some point that weekend I felt like I’d been healed. The pain was gone. I called the practitioner and thanked her for her support, and told her I was going to take it from there. But doubts continued to enter into my thought. I’m going to visit family in California in a couple weeks, and the idea of dealing with tooth pain while I’m down there was concerning.
So on the next Monday morning I called my dentist and went in to see him a couple days later. I described what the pain had felt like the week before, and he did some tests and looked at some x-rays and said everything pointed to a root canal. His office made an appointment for me to see a periodontist the next day.
As I was driving to the periodontist I listened to CS hymns on my CD player. As the singers were singing about “light,” the light shone through the clouds and landed on me. And I realized I wouldn’t be surprised if the periodontist told me I didn’t need a root canal, after all.
X-rays were taken, tests were performed, and guess what? The periodontist told me I didn’t need a root canal, after all. 
He said one of my old fillings was going to need to be replaced by a crown at some point, but my regular dentist could do that for me.
Love, God, laughed with me all the way home.
I haven’t felt any tooth pain at all in the last couple of weeks.
Adventures of the Madcap Christian Scientist 