There Are Moments of Such Beauty

There are moments of such beauty
I’m moved to tears.
Little bursts of light in the darkness
that are bigger than my fears.
To be alive to see even a moment
of the beauty that can be
is worth the other moments
of darkness in between.

-Karen Molenaar Terrell

(Photos by Karen Molenaar Terrell.)

The Christmas Dog

Christmas Eve, 1988.  I was in a funk.  I couldn’t see that I was making much progress in my life.  My teaching career seemed to be frozen, and I was beginning to think my husband and I would never own our own home or have children. The world seemed a very bleak and unhappy place to me.  No matter how many batches of fudge I whipped up or how many times I heard Bing Crosby sing “White Christmas,” I couldn’t seem to find the Christmas spirit.

I was washing the breakfast dishes, thinking my unhappy thoughts, when I heard gunshots coming from the pasture behind our house.  I thought it was the neighbor boys shooting at the seagulls again and, all full of teacherly harrumph, decided to take it upon myself to go out and “have a word with them.”

But after I’d marched outside I realized that it wasn’t the neighbor boys at all.  John, the dairy farmer who lived on the adjoining property, was walking away with a rifle, and an animal (a calf, I thought) was struggling to get up in the field behind our house.  Every time it would push up on its legs it would immediately collapse back to the ground.

I wondered if maybe John had made a mistake and accidentally shot the animal, so I ran out to investigate and found that the animal was a dog.  It had foam and blood around its muzzle.  She was vulnerable and helpless – had just been shot, after all – but instead of lashing out at me or growling as I’d expect an injured animal to do, she was looking up at me with an expression of trust and seemed to be expecting me to take care of her.

“John!”  I yelled, running after the farmer.  He turned around, surprised to see me.  “John, what happened?” I asked, pointing back towards the dog.

A look of remorse came into his eyes.  “Oh, I’m sorry you saw that, Karen. The dog is a stray and it’s been chasing my cows.  I had to kill it.”

“But John, it’s not dead yet.”

John looked back at the dog and grimaced.  “Oh man,” he said.  “I’m really sorry. I’ll go finish the job.  Put it out of its misery.”

By this time another dog had joined the dog that had been shot.  It was running around its friend, barking encouragement, trying to get its buddy to rise up and escape.  The sight of the one dog trying to help his comrade broke my heart.  I made a quick decision. “Let me and my husband take care of it.”

“Are you sure?”

I nodded and he agreed to let me do what I could for the animal.

Unbeknownst to me, as soon as I ran out of the house my husband, knowing that something was wrong, had gotten out his binoculars and was watching my progress in the field.  He saw the look on my face as I ran back.  By the time I reached our house he was ready to do whatever he needed to do to help me.  I explained the situation to him, we put together a box full of towels, and he called the vet.

As we drove his truck around to where the dog lay in the field, I noticed that, while the dog’s canine companion had finally left the scene (never to be seen again), John had gone to the dog and was kneeling down next to her.  He was petting her, using soothing words to comfort her, and the dog was looking up at John with that look of trust she’d given me.  John helped my husband load her in the back of the truck and we began our drive to the vet’s.

I rode in the back of the truck with the dog as my husband drove, and sang hymns to her.  As I sang words from one of my favorite hymns from the Christian Science Hymnal– “Everlasting arms of Love are beneathe, around, above” – the dog leaned against my shoulder and looked up at me with an expression of pure love in her blue eyes.

Once we reached the animal clinic, the veterinarian came out to take a look at her.  After checking her over he told us that apparently a bullet had gone through her head, that he’d take care of her over the holiday weekend – keep her warm and hydrated – but that he wasn’t going to give her any medical treatment.  I got the distinct impression that he didn’t think the dog was going to make it.

My husband and I went to my parents’ home for the Christmas weekend, both of us praying that the dog would still be alive when we returned.  For me, praying for her really meant trying to see the dog as God sees her.  I tried to realize the wholeness and completeness of her as an expression of God, an idea of God.  I reasoned that all the dog could experience was the goodness of God – all she could feel is what Love feels, all she could know is what Truth knows, all she could be is the perfect reflection of God.  I tried to recognize the reality of these things for me, too, and for all of God’s creation.

She made it through the weekend, but when we went to pick her up the vet told us that she wasn’t “out of the woods, yet.”    He told us that if she couldn’t eat, drink, or walk on her own in the next few days, we’d need to bring her back and he’d need to put her to sleep.

We brought her home and put her in a big box in our living room, with a bowl of water and soft dog food by her side.  I continued to pray.  In the middle of the night I got up and went out to where she lay in her box.  Impulsively, I bent down and scooped some water from the dish into her mouth.  She swallowed it, and then leaned over and drank a little from the bowl.  I was elated!  Inspired by her reaction to the water, I bent over and grabbed a glob of dog food and threw a little onto her tongue.  She smacked her mouth together, swallowed the food, and leaned over to eat a bit more.  Now I was beyond elated!  She’d accomplished two of the three requirements the vet had made for her!

The next day I took her out for a walk.  She’d take a few steps and then lean against me.  Then she’d take a few more steps and lean.  But she was walking!  We would not be taking her back to the veterinarian.

In the next two weeks her progress was amazing.  By the end of that period she was not only walking, but running and jumping and chasing balls.  Her appetite was healthy.  She was having no problems drinking or eating.

But one of the most amazing parts of this whole Christmas blessing was the relationship that developed between this dog and the man who had shot her.  They became good friends.  The dog, in fact, became the neighborhood mascot.  (And she never again chased anyone’s cows.)

What the dog brought to me, who had, if you recall, been in a deep funk when she entered our lives, was a sense of the true spirit of Christmas – the Christly spirit of forgiveness, hope, faith, love.  She brought me the recognition that nothing, absolutely nothing, is impossible to God.

We named our new dog Christmas because that is what she brought us that year.

Within a few years all those things that I had wondered if I would ever have as part of my life came to me – a teaching job, children, and a home of our own.  It is my belief that our Christmas Dog prepared my heart to be ready for all of those things to enter my life.

(The story of our Christmas dog was first published in the Christian Science Sentinel [“Christmas Is Alive and Well“] in December 1999, and retold in Blessings: Adventures of a Madcap Christian Scientist in 2005. It was later included in The Madcap Christian Scientist’s Christmas Book in 2014. It was also included on the Christian Science Sentinel radio program in December 2000.)

The Madcap Christian Scientist Books

There are now four books in the Madcap Christian Scientist series (five if you count *The Madcap Christian Scientist’s Christmas Book*). Here’s the intro to the first book:

Years ago an old boyfriend said to me, “I can’t see that Christian Science has made you any better than anyone else.”

“I know!” I said, nodding my head in complete and happy agreement, “But can you imagine what I’d be like without it?!”

He raised his eyebrows and laughed. What could he say? He was looking at a self-centered, moralistic, stubborn idealist who saw everything in terms of black and white. But I could have been worse. I believe without Christian Science I would have been worse.

Let’s get one thing clear from the start: I am not the best example of a Christian Scientist. I’m not as disciplined as I could be. I have fears and worries and doubts. I’m a little neurotic. I am the Lucy Ricardo of Christian Scientists.

I should probably put in a disclaimer here, too—the views expressed in these pages are not necessarily the views shared by other Christian Scientists. Christian Scientists are really a pretty diverse group of people—there are Democrat Christian Scientists and Republican Christian Scientists, “Green,” and “Red,” and “Blue” Christian Scientists, and Christian Scientists with no political affiliations at all. Frankly, I like that about us. We keep each other on our toes.

I should also tell you that this book is not an authorized piece of Christian Science literature. If you want to actually study Christian Science you should probably read the textbook for this way of life, Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures by Mary Baker Eddy.

My purpose for writing this epistle is really two-fold (I don’t think I’ve ever used the word “two-fold” in my life, and using it now is making me feel sort of professorial. I like the feeling.):

First-foldly, to introduce you to one Christian Scientist so that if you ever hear someone talking fearfully and ignorantly (feargnorantly?) about Christian Scientists you’ll be in a position to say, “I have a friend who’s a Christian Scientist, and, although it’s true she’s a bit of a nut, she’s also…” and you can go on and talk about how your friend has used her study of Christian Science to try to make the world a happier place.

Second-foldly, I feel the need to acknowledge God’s blessings in my life. I don’t want to be like those nine lepers in the Bible who couldn’t take the time to thank Jesus for healing them. I want to be like that one leper who “fell down on his face at his feet” before Jesus and gave him thanks (Luke 17). Through my study of Christian Science I’ve witnessed some incredible proofs of our Father-Mother God’s love for Her creation in my life. God has filled my life with infinite blessings and it’s time for me to acknowledge these blessings to others.
-Karen Molenaar Terrell

Look for the Good in Others. Look for the Good in Yourself, Too.

Note to self: Be patient with others, and with yourself, too. We are living in a society where people will assume the worst of others, and attribute the worst intentions to each other. People are on the defensive and in pain – shattered from years of being bullied and shamed and denigrated. Be patient. Be kind. Look for the good in others. Look for the good in yourself, too.

We’re all doing the best we can.
-Karen Molenaar Terrell

Things I Learned on the Amazon Discussion Forums

Things I learned on the Amazon Discussion Forums (the forums were on Amazon from 2007 to 2017 and I was involved with the forums from 2007 to about 2011):

1) Read and reread and edit. You don’t have to shoot from the hip. The beauty of written discourse is that you have time to think about what you want to say in your responses to others. Don’t be afraid to use the delete button.

2) You actually don’t have to respond at all. Just because someone has tagged you in a comment or a post doesn’t mean you have to invest time and energy in responding. You get to choose how you want to spend your time.

3) If you’re going to respond to someone, take the time to actually read their comment/post and try to see their perspective. See if there’s something you can learn from them.

4) Don’t be afraid to apologize if someone catches you in a mistake. Humility is a beautiful thing.

5) When possible, bring humor into the discussion, and especially don’t be afraid to laugh at your own foibles and flaws. We all have them.

6) If you find yourself launching a personal attack on someone – delete, delete, delete. Personal insults never ever ever solve anything or make anything better.

7) If you see someone being bullied, step up and come to their defense.

8 ) Do not take offense. Do not get all fluffed-up and indignant if someone disagrees with you or appears to be criticizing your beliefs. Don’t take any of that personally. People will disagree with you sometimes, and it’s okay.

9) Don’t expect everyone to have the same beliefs as you, and don’t think that they’re “stupid” if they don’t. There are as many perspectives as there are people on the planet.

10) Be kind.

Books! Books! More Books!

Click this link to find my books on Barnes and Noble: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/%22Karen%20Molenaar%20Terrell%22

(I have a whole host of talented friends who are published authors and I’m going to include links to their books below. Note that, contrary to the well-meaning posts about “buying local” that I’m seeing on social media, sometimes the only place you’ll be able to find books by local authors is on Amazon.)

Edit: Please feel free to add book links to your own books in the comments below.

***

Some of my books can, apparently, only be purchased through Amazon. I see that my Cosmic Celebrations books, Cosmic Connections and Cosmic Kinship, can’t be purchased through Barnes and Noble. My book of poetry, Since Then, can’t be purchased through Barnes and Noble, either. And my latest Madcap Christian Scientist book, Looking Forward, isn’t coming up there. Here’s the Amazon link where you can find those books: https://www.amazon.com/…/Karen…/author/B0044P90RQ

My friend, William Whittenbury, also has books on Barnes and Noble, as well as Amazon. William’s books chronicle the epic adventures in an alternative history. Here’s the link to his books on Barnes and Noble: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/William%20Whittenbury

My friend, Linda Lum, writes wonderful history-humor-cookbooks – the exactly kind of book we need right now: https://www.amazon.com/stores/Linda-Lum/author/B0BW17Z81N

My friend, Rob Slater, sells his young adult dystopian novels at Village Green in Bellingham, and other bookstores. His books can also be found on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/…/Robert-L…/author/B00EKZDBY8

My friend, Heidi Herder, has written a beautiful true-life story about a cat named Papi. Here’s the Amazon link: https://www.amazon.com/Cat-Ted-Adventures…/dp/B0CK3ZXRCY/

My friend, Claudia Buck, introduced me to the writing of her friend, local author Peter Randolph Keim. His book, Lanes Five and Six, was really poignant and beautiful. Here’s the Amazon link: https://www.amazon.com/Lanes-Five-Peter…/dp/B0CLWLNR96/

My friend, Ann Bodle-Nash, is part of the Skagit Valley Writer’s Guild, and together they published this book on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BHDSW7GQ

My former student, Ryia Delgado, published this five-star book, Family in Progress, as her English project: https://www.amazon.com/Family-Progress…/dp/B01FWN5L08/

My former student, Haley, published her powerful book of poems, Little Lives, as her English project: https://www.amazon.com/Little-Lives-Haley…/dp/1795445289/

My former student, Varick Andrews, published his thought-provoking book of poetry, Data Dump, as his English project: https://www.amazon.com/Data-Dump-Musings…/dp/1540879410/

My former student, Cindy Sanchez, wrote a book of fairy tales, which can be found here: https://www.amazon.com/Mean-Green-Witch…/dp/1506139140/

The Barnes and Noble link to the books of John Roskelley, mountaineer and author extraordinaire, can be found here: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/%22John%20Roskelley%22

Leif Whittaker’s book about his pop can be found at this Barnes and Noble link: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/…/my-old-man…/1123408019

And my Dad’s award-winning book, The Challenge of Rainier, can be found at this Barnes and Noble link: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/…/the…/1132691178

All of Dad’s books can also be found here: https://www.amazon.com/stores/Dee-Molenaar/author/B001JRWQIM

Here’s the Barnes and Noble link to my friend Connie Mears’s wonderful book (I laughed! I cried!), The Bumbling Mystic’s Obituaryhttps://www.barnesandnoble.com/…/the…/1129597510

And here’s where you can find Laura Lavigne’s soul-reaching books: https://www.amazon.com/…/Laura-Lavigne/author/B08NDGQXQB

My friend, Maria McLeod, is an award-winning poet. Here’s where you can find her books: https://www.amazon.com/stores/Maria-McLeod/author/B095XG1H7C

My cousin Dan’s coloring books (therapeutic!) can be found on Lulu: https://www.lulu.com/search…

The young adult novels (light-hearted regency fantasy) of my friend, Marissa Doyle, can be found here: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/%22Marissa%20Doyle%22

The beautiful and life-affirming book Remarkable Resilience: The Life and Legacy of Noemi Ban Beyond the Holocaust by my friend, Diane Sue, can be found here: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/…/remarkable…/1141396091

My friend, Demaris Wehr, wrote a beautiul book that seems, to me, very timely: Making It Through: Bosnian Survivors Share Stories of Trauma, Transcendence, and Truthhttps://www.barnesandnoble.com/…/making-it…/1138568749

Scott Bailey, the husband of my friend, Mary Metz, wrote a brilliant piece of historical fiction – scholarly, entertaining, thought-provoking – called The Astrologer. It can be found here: https://www.amazon.com/Astrologer-Scott-G-F…/dp/0989970051

My friend (and co-mother-in-law), Deeann Callis Graham, is author of Head-On Stories of Alopecia – a beautiful and inspiring collection of narratives from people who suffer from alopecia. Her book can be found here: https://www.amazon.com/Head-Stories…/dp/B01MY53YQZ

My friend, Matthew Jackson, wrote a beautiful book chronicling his adventures as he hitchhiked across Canada. I laughed and cried and felt all the feels. Here’s the link: https://www.amazon.com/Canada-Chronicles-Four-Year-Hitchhiking-Odyssey/dp/0973467126/

And here’s a link to my friend Cash Keahey’s insightful book about leadership personality types: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/eight-leadertypes-in-the-white-house-cash-keahey/1127892093

The Best Thing I Brought Home from the Store

I went to Fred’s to get some ingredients I needed for Scotty’s annual birthday carrot cake. I got to the spice section and found a man of about my age scanning the shelves – I could tell he was looking for something and was coming up nada. I started scanning for the “allspice” that the recipe called for, but didn’t see it right away.

“This isn’t shelved alphabetically, is it?” I asked the man next to me – I now considered him my partner in the spice search. He laughed and observed that the spices seemed to be shelved randomly. I asked him what he was looking for, and he said he was looking for “sesame seeds” – but he thought maybe he should try the Asian food section. And just as he said that, I found the sesame seeds! I told him I was looking for “allspice” – and, in the next breath, I found it. I picked up the jar, looking for the ingredients – “What does allspice have in it?” I asked, and my teammate in the spice aisle said, “Cinnamon, I think, and cloves, and nutmeg.” I told my teammate that I already have all that stuff at home, so I guessed I didn’t really need to buy this. He pointed out that I was saving myself $12 by leaving it there.

Cool! “So are we all good here?” I asked him, smiling. He smiled back at me and said, “Yeah! Teamwork!”

(Edit: I now know that allspice is an actual spice all of its own – I love learning new stuff!)

As I was walking down the center aisle to the produce section a tall young Black man with dreadlocks and a ring through his nose locked eyes with me and there was just such joy in that moment that we both broke into big smiles – like we were old friends seeing each other again. We passed each other, smiling, and that smile from him is still buoying me up.

Scotty and I went to Chuckanut Manor to celebrate his birthday tonight. The sun was just starting to set when we got there and I asked the hostess to be seated by a window to watch the sunset. As we were sitting at our table we noticed half a dozen bald eagles playing tag with each other near the water. One of the servers saw I had my camera out and told me that the deck is always open and I could go out there to take photos if I wanted – and she led me to the door that opened onto the deck. The eagles flew by me and one of them landed in a tree near the restaurant. I could hear the eagles chirping to each other. I love that sound.

I came back in after taking a few pictures, but then went back out when I saw the eagles were up to their hijinks again. There was another customer out there when I went out the second time, and he told me what he’d just seen with the eagles. I pointed to the tree where the eagle was sitting and he turned to take pictures of it.

Scott and I had a lovely dinner, and when we were leaving I passed the man who had been watching eagles with me and thanked him for sharing that magic with me. He smiled and agreed that had been cool.

And now we’re eating carrot cake made with carrots from our garden, and apple sauce from Scott’s orchard, and spices I already had in my cupboard. And the best thing I brought home from Fred’s were the smiles I got there.

I Am My Own Country

I am my own country,
just a visitor in this one,
passing through on my way
to home.
In my country I am enjoined
to be kind, to be honest, to share,
to dare to be fair, and to care
for those I pass on my journey.
I am my own country.
-Karen Molenaar Terrell

Going Minimalist

Going minimal-
ist. My only task in this
moment is to breathe.
-Karen Molenaar Terrell

You Are Not Alone

At two in the morning on the day of the election I woke up feeling like I was riding on a collective wave of joy – like I was part of a cosmic celebration. I hadn’t had that feeling before an election since… well, I don’t think I’ve ever had that feeling before an election, so I took this feeling as a good sign – as a sign that everything was going to go as I hoped it would.

And when things didn’t go as I hoped, I found myself in a crisis, wondering if everything I believe about the power of Love and Truth is a lie. Wondering if there really is a God.

What was kind of odd, though, was that – even as I was having these dark thoughts – I could feel Love with me, loving me. But I turned away from that sense of Love-with-me and tossed and turned for a while before I finally got to sleep.

Here’s what happened today:

– The youngest son called to see how I was doing and just hearing his voice through the line – and hearing his wife’s laughter in the background – lifted me up.

– I decided to go for a hike at Lake Padden. On the way I pulled over, and put my emergency lights on, to take a picture of a reflection on Lake Samish. Before I even got out of the car, another car did a u-turn and the driver – a twenty-something with piercings on her face, and a kind smile – pulled in behind me to check on me and make sure I was alright. I was so grateful for her kindness in stopping to check on me! I felt myself lifted up a bit more.

– As I sat at a picnic table at Lake Padden, a little dog named Lock trotted over to me for a pet on his back. He sat with me for several minutes as I petted him, every now and then looking up at me with a look of pure love on his face. It was like having my own emotional support dog there, comforting me with his sweetness.

– I passed a woman named April, with her dog, Aspen. Like Lock, Aspen approached me for a scratch behind the ears. And when April and I got to talking we realized we were both processing the same election shock. Pretty soon we were joined by Judy, who also was dealing with election trauma. We gave each other a group hug, and then Judy let us know that there was a young woman sitting up at the picnic table who was struggling. So April and I (and Aspen) went to join the woman at the picnic table. She was wearing a gay pride rainbow hat, and she was soon joined by two friends who let us know they were from the LGBTQ community. The woman in the rainbow hat and her friends were all feeling scared and abandoned by their country. April and I let them know that they aren’t alone – that we’re standing together with them.

– When I got home I clicked into Facebook and found my friend, Jay Bowen, had posted a post about a vigil being held at the Burlington Lutheran Church. So I zipped my jacket back on and headed for the church.

I hadn’t really cried, yet, but as soon as I entered the church I felt tears welling up in my eyes, and by the time I’d seated myself on a pew I was quietly sobbing and shaking – I hadn’t know that was in me until then. A woman in the pew ahead of me turned around and it was Becky! – a parent of one of my former eigthh graders. Becky went up to the first pew and grabbed a box of tissues for me and then came back and gave me a hug. Not long after I saw Becky, I recognized another friend, Kaci – who was seated in the second row. I approached Kaci and touched her arm, and when she turned around and saw me, her eyes opened wide and she reached out for a hug. We cried healing tears together for a couple of minutes, before I returned to my pew.

The speakers in the Lutheran church spoke of allowing people to mourn in their own way; spoke of the courage and endurance that have overcome tribulation in the past; spoke of the importance of community and family; spoke of the importance of appreciating every breath and moment; spoke of not letting ayone take our smiles and humor; and spoke of a loving God whose intent isn’t to bring us doom, but to bring healing to us and through us.

It was comforting to be with other people today who were dealing with the same things I’m dealing with.

And now, sitting here, I realize the message the Cosmos has been sending me all day: “You are not alone. The world is full of people (and pups) who care. You are loved.” And maybe that’s all the reason I need to celebrate with the Cosmos. Maybe the wave of joy I felt early in the morning on election day had nothing to do with the election, and everything to do with divine Love. Love is not dependent on human circumstances, and we can never be separated from it.
-Karen Molenaar Terrell