Next Year This Christmas Will Be the New Past

Every Christmas is different
from the last,
and brings its own gifts,
and a new past.

Mom and Dad are no longer here,
but their sweaters hang
from the back of our chairs,
and I feel Mom’s smile on me,
and Dad’s grin,
and sometimes I feel a nostalgic
yearning to go back to what’s been.

The sons are all grown up now
with homes of their own.
But I remember their childhood excitement
when they’d wake on Christmas morn –
running downstairs to see what Santa
brought them during the night
and put under the Christmas tree’s lights.

And there’s a sad sweetness
to the remembering.

Next year this Christmas
will be the new past.

-Karen Molenaar Terrell

A California Weekend

Scott and I flew to California last weekend to see our son Andrew, and daughter-in-law Christina, and our little granddaughter, and to visit other relatives who live near to them. It was a wonderful stay in every single way.

But, my friends, going into it, I had a lot of fear about it all. Would I get sick before we left and not be able to fly out? Would I get sick when I was down there and not be able to fly home? Would I lose my hearing aids? Would I lose my contact lens? Would I lose my passport? My cellphone? Would the plane lose a window mid-flight and would I get sucked through it kiester-first and get stuck in it? Would the grandbaby recognize me?

Fears like that.

Fittingly, the Christian Science Bible Lesson sermon for Sunday was “God the Preserver of Man” and was full of verses like these: “Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.” (Psalms 27). “The Lord is good to all: and his tender mercies are over all his works…The Lord is nigh unto all them that call upon him, to all that call upon him in truth.” (Psalms 145).”The Lord shall preserve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul.” (Psalms 121). “Fear thou not; for I am with thee…” (Isaiah 41).

I leaned into those passages and felt Love wrapping me up in Her arms and giving me a big hug. Love never changes, never ends, never abandons us. Love loves us even when we’re being ridiculous.

The four days of our trip flew by. Here are the highlights…

The Singing Shuttle Bus Driver

Jose, our shuttlebus driver from the parking lot to SeaTac Airport was so cool! He’s from Nicaragua and was singing a song from Ecuador. Jose said we’re all on this planet to help one another, and I said, “We’re all in this together!” He grinned and nodded his head and sang us his songs. What a great way to start the day. Here’s a youtube link to the performance he gave us that morning: https://youtu.be/ujz8FGhDqvI

The Flight Out

The flight out was a little rocky – there were a couple of big bumps that would have sent us flying out of our seats if we hadn’t been buckled in – but everyone was so matter-of-fact about it all. The man across the aisle from me was calmly eating his snacks, and watching a movie on his cellphone as our plane tossed and bucked. I thanked him for that, and he smiled back at me – completely at ease with our wild ride.

When we landed we found our rental car and let Mrs. Google direct us to Andrew and Christina’s place. I hurried ahead of Scott – eager to see our granddaughter. I peeked around the curtain and into the living room, and there she was! She looked up and saw me and her whole face lit up in a grin! She recognized me! Pretty soon she was toddle-running to the door and pretty soon I had her in my arms again. Oh joy! Oh wonder!

Grandbaby Stories

The Pizza Story: I was reading a book to my granddaughter and there was a picture of a pizza piece in it. We’d just had pizza the night before and Grandbaby had bitten into a jalapeno – which she tried to blow out in the same way you’d blow out a candle. “Pfft pfft.” Now, as she saw the illustration of the piece of pizza, she pointed to it and pointed to her mouth and then said, “Pfft pfft.”

The Keys: As I was reading Good night, Gorilla to the grandbaby, I was describing to her what the gorilla was doing in the illustrations, “The gorilla stole the zookeeper’s keys and now he’s letting ALL the animals out of their cages, and look – they’re following the zookeeper back to his home.” Grandbaby pointed to the keys and pointed to the door and turned her little hand like she was opening the door with the keys. Christina told me that our grandbaby has been trying to open the doors with her keys, but it hasn’t worked out for her – she keeps dropping them. Later I joined Andrew for a walk with Grandbaby, and he let her carry his keys. When we got to the gate, he helped her unlock it. She was so proud and pleased with herself!

The Slide: Christina, and I took Granddaughter to the park. I helped Granddaughter climb up to the top of the slide and helped her get situated so she could slide down to her mum. When she got to the bottom she turned around with a big grin on her face, and pointed to me and then to the slide, letting me know she wanted me to go down the slide now. So I did.

A few hours later I was reading a book to her that included a picture of a slide. Grandbaby pointed to the slide and then pointed to me and then pointed back to the slide. She was reminding me that I had gone down the slide, too!

Ears: I read a story that included a bunny. I pointed to the bunny’s ears, and Marilyn pointed to her own ears, and then pointed to my ears and pointed back to the bunny’s ears again. She got up and toddled over to her mum and pointed to her mum’s ears and then to her grandpa to point to his ears. And pretty son Grandpa Scott was teaching her the “Head and shoulders, knees and toes” song.

Cool Bakeries

Andrew and Christina guided us on a walk to the Larchmont neighborhood where there were all kinds of cool shops and bakeries. We made a stop at Erin McKenna’s vegan bakery for some treats, and Danny, the cashier (and a good sport) posed for us behind her counter.

There was also a great little Mexican bakery, K Bakery, right across the street from our motel where we bought smoothies and little fruit-filled turnovers to begin our day. I loved the atmosphere in there – lively Mexican music playing in the background, and paintings by Mexican artists on the wall, and everyone friendly and helpful.

Visit with Our Niece and Her Family

Scott’s sister’s daughter, Kate, and her husband, Tan, live about half an hour from Andrew and Christina. We took advantage of this by paying them a visit on our second day in California. It was so good to see them again, and to enjoy watching our grandbaby playing with Kate and Tan’s little ones. Both Christina and Tan are of Vietnamese heritage and it seemed perfect for Tan to ordered take-out from a nearby Vietnamese restaurant. The food was great; the fellowship with family was dear; and watching the little ones playing together brought me a heart full of grins. It was a perfect visit.

A Trip to the Beach

We spent our last night with my cousin, Laurie, and her husband, Roger, and their son, James. I hadn’t seen Laurie since my dad’s hundredth birthday six years ago and it meant so much to me to be able to connect with her again. Her daughter, Allison, came over with her young daughter and it was good to be able to be able to see them again, too, and get caught up on life.

Laurie brought out some old family photos that she inherited from her mom and some of our aunts, and we went looking through them together, talking about our family history, and sharing memories.

Our last day in California, Cousin Laurie drove Scott and I to the coast and I got to dip my finger in the Pacific.

We met these two very cool fishermen at a local marina. I asked Rafael if I could take his photo, and he had no problems with that. I asked him his name and he said Rafael, and then he asked me mine. “Karen, of course,” I said, grinning. He laughed with me about my name – successfully passing my “Karen Test.”

Philip was relaxing in his chair on the other side of the pier, classic rock playing from his e-bike. He’d overheard me introduce myself to Rafael and, smiling, told me I did that “right.” “You gotta have fun with it, right?” I said, laughing.

Philip told us that he once caught the biggest angel shark ever seen in the harbor – he said it was about five and a half feet long and four feet wide! He took a picture of it before it went back into the water. Philip also told us that we could find him on his youtube channel, “Honey Hole Trackers.” (Here’s the link to that: https://www.youtube.com/@HoneyHoleTrackers )

I asked Philip and Rafael if they were old friends, and they said they’d just met that day. I told them I had a feeling this was the beginning of a long friendship.

A Perfect Good Bye

The day before, when I’d said goodbye to my grandbaby before we headed to Laurie’s, Grandbaby had put her little arms around my neck and clung to me and sobbed, and I’d sobbed, too. I didn’t want our last goodbye before we left California to be a repeat of that. I worried about it. And I prayed.

We took a last walk around the block with Andrew and our granddaughter – posing under the golden autumn leaves of the gingko tree across the street, stopping to touch tree bark and wave to dogs going on walks with their humans. When we were done with our walk we went back inside Andrew and Christina’s home and read books. Andrew started beating on the toy tambourine that had been one of my first gifts to the baby, and then Andrew handed me the tambourine and he began to shake a rattle in time to my beats, and we sang and made a song together. Pretty soon Grandbaby started dancing to our song. Her dance was charming and filled my grandma’s heart.

When Scott started putting on his shoes, Grandbaby brought me my shoes to put on, too. Scott and I gathered our things to leave. Grandbaby reached up for a hug, and I asked her to kiss my cheek (I pointed to it), and then kiss my other cheek, too, and she smiled and put her little face next to me. We hugged Christina and Andrew goodbye, and then I transferred Granddaughter to Andrew and he turned her the other direction, and Scott and I slipped out the door. As we left, we looked up at their window, and Grandbaby was at the window with Andrew and Christina waving goodbye to us and smiling. We waved goodbye back and smiled and blew everyone a kiss. It was a sweet, joyful parting. Perfect!

The Flight Home

Our flight home was at night. Mrs. Google led us through Hollywood – we didn’t even realize we were IN Hollywood until we saw the Hollywood Museum sign. That was cool. There was heavy traffic getting to the airport, but once we got there everything went pretty quickly. There was no one in front of us at the TSA screening desk, and we got through all of that smoothly. We chatted to a delightful fellow passenger named Samantha in the waiting area – Samantha was going home to Seattle to be with her family over the holidays. We boarded our flight, buckled ourselves in, and two and half hours later we were back in the rain of Seattle.

Note: I did not lose my passport, my contact lens, or my hearing aids; I did not get sucked out of the plane; and I did not get sick. Love deposited me gently back in my home after a lovely visit with my family. And here we are.

One of the Best Days Ever

When Xander was in kindergarten I went to teaching half-time for the last part of the school year so that I could be off on the days Xander was off from kindergarten. One of the best days I’ve ever had was the day when Xander and I went to Washington Park on one of our days off and hiked down to Green Point together. We stayed there for a while, just relaxing, and then he turned to me and asked, “Isn’t this nice, Mommy?” I asked him what was nice, and he said, “Just sitting here in the sunshine with you.” And that. Right there. That sweet memory has stayed with me for twenty-five years.

I went back to Washington Park today and walked down to Green Point again. I ran into a little family – father, mother, baby, grandma – and enjoyed watching them spend time together, enjoying each other, and thought of the day I spent there in the sunshine with Xander.

I had the opportunity to talk to the family for a bit. I learned that the little one, Fiona, was just a few months younger than my granddaughter. She was sitting on her daddy’s shoulders – flapping her arms up and down like my granddaughter does when she’s on my shoulders or Scott’s. Then Fiona turned and pointed to me – just as my granddaughter does – and I pointed back. Fiona started grinning, enjoying our game.

I learned this was the first time Fiona’s grandmother had been able to see her and spend time with her, and she was leaving to go back to her home in Pakistan on Wednesday. My grandma’s heart went out to her. I know this feeling.

I thought at first that there were colorful shreds from popped party balloons strewn on the grass at Green Point. Then I realized the colorful shreds were actually rose petals. Rose petals seemed fitting for the day.

Grandbaby Time

she points at me
like a celebrity
on the red carpet
and grins her sweet grin
then toddles to me
and reaches her arms up for me
to lift her onto my hip
we go out to the deck
and sit in the sunshine
and I sing to her an old Beatles ballad:
“Who knows how long I’ve loved you…?”
and she bops her head to the beat
and then rests
her head on my chest
and I melt with the sweetness of it
-Karen Molenaar Terrell

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Greeting Daddy

Grandbaby is cuddled up next to me in the crook of my arm. She’s practicing different sounds with me – brrrr, thhpt, wudududuh – and watching my mouth as we make sounds together. Then she slides down off the couch and heads for the door. She looks back at me when she makes it to the door, and reaches for the handle. She’s telling me she wants to go outside. When I get to the door, I look outside and see my son has come home from a day of filming. “Daddy’s home!” I say to my granddaughter.

I pick her up and take her to the end of the driveway. She sees her daddy now, and her mommy standing beside him. She starts grinning. I set her down, and she race-toddles to my son – they’re both laughing. The son gets down on his haunches to welcome her into his arms, and she settles inside his hug.

And I have a sudden memory of greeting my daddy the same way when he got home from work.

Here’s a photo Dad captured of me on one of those occasions…

She Loved You Very Much

A woman of about my age or a little younger was walking in front of me on the boardwalk and I suddenly had this vision of her as a little girl. It was like I was seeing her through the eyes of her mother.

I happened to run into her again at the coffee shop. I was impelled to tell her what I’d just experienced.

“Hi, this is maybe going to sound weird, but I just saw you walking in front of me as your mother saw you when you were a little girl and she loved you very much.” And then I started tearing up, and I think she started tearing up, too. There was something really profound in that moment.

When she left the coffee shop, she passed me and smiled a big smile and wished me a great day. And I wished her the same.

– Karen Molenaar Terrell

Laughter Therapy

This morning Baby Linh raced up to me on all fours, pulled herself up on a basket next to my chair and looked at me with a big grin on her face. Then she started laughing. She laughed and laughed a big rolling belly laugh mixed with happy squeals for a good three minutes. And I laughed with her. We laughed just for the sheer joy of laughing. It was the most therapeutic three minutes I had all day.
– Karen Molenaar Terrell

“A merry heart doeth good like a medicine…”
– Proverbs 17:22

Rainbow flowers doodle by Karen Molenaar Terrell.

I Imagine Mom Tucking Me Into Bed and Asking Me About My Day…

I imagine Mom tucking me into bed and asking me about my day. And I tell her…

I took the grandbaby out into the sunshine on the back deck and sat in a chair and she bounced on my lap for a while. We listened to the birds singing and she put her forehead against mine and chatted to me in her own language about life, and we laughed and sang together, and celebrated being alive on this fine spring day.

After she and my son and daughter-in-law left to run errands, I put Four Weddings and a Funeral on TV in the background while I washed the dishes and cleaned the counter and answered emails, and worked on my Blossoms game.

Then I went to the post office and got my mail and, just before I left, Luciano the Neopolitan Mastiff stuck his head out of the truck that pulled into the space next to me. Luciano and I are new friends – I just met him for the first time a couple of days ago – and I was so happy to see him again. I got out of my car to say hi to him. His kind human recognized me and gave me a biscuit to feed Luciano. I held it out on a flat palm to feed him in the same way I would feed a horse. He sucked up the biscuit and left a trail of doggy slobber on my hand. It was awesome.

I drove from the post office to the supermarket to pick up some things before I headed home. The older woman in front of me in the checkout line was classy and elegant-looking. She had golden open-toed sandals, tan capris, and cool, spangly jewelry, and her hair was beautifully-coiffed in what we used to call a “page boy.” She turned to smile at me and to apologize for taking so long to put her stuff on the counter, and I told her I loved her shoes and her earrings and… oh look! We had the same kind of reusable shopping bags! She laughed and said she thought she’d gotten hers from some charity she’d donated to. I looked at the bottom of my bag and saw that I’d gotten it from the Lakota Sioux people – a group I donate to regularly. I’d forgotten I’d gotten that bag from them. It was cool to realize this gracious put-together woman and I both donate to the same people. I love making connections like that.

I stopped at the Edison Cafe to get some lunch and a raspberry Italian soda and sat at the table outside to wait. Soon Austin (the owner of the cafe and one of my former eighth graders) delivered the soda to me. He’d topped the soda with whipped cream and sprinkles and it was beautiful. Before I’d come outside, I’d nodded and smiled to a couple of young men eating their lunch at a table inside – one of them was covered in tattoo art, and the other had a long black braid past his waist – and the thought came to me that I would love to have been the teacher to these gentle giants – they both emanated kindness and good will. When they came out to get in their car, they smiled at me again and wished me a good day, and I wished them one, too. I felt the genuineness of their wish for me, and our new connection.

I came home and mowed the lawn in the front of the house and in my Secret Garden – I love the smell of freshly-mowed grass – and the birds were singing – and the sun was shining on me – and it was just lovely.

I watched a movie I found on Netflix (The Peanut Butter Falcon) and then my son and daughter-in-law came home, and my other daughter-in-law stopped by – and it was so joy-filled to have everyone in the house, laughing and sharing space.

Then the grandbaby bounced on my lap and chatted to me for a while about her day, and I nodded at her insightful comments, and told her I love her.

It has been a good day, Mom.
Karen Molenaar Terrell

Luciano the Neopolitan Mastiff
Austin with my Italian soda.

This Is Happiness

Forehead to forehead,
nose to nose, and grin to grin,
Grandbaby reaches out
and squeezes my nose.

This is happiness.

– Karen Molenaar Terrell

I Gather My Memories Around Me

We created this home together –
my love and I –
and filled it with warmth and joy
and now I sit in our “green room”
and gather my memories
around me like a soft blanket
this is where Dad sat
on his 98th birthday
and reminisced with his old friends
and there is his painting of Rainier
and Mom sang and danced over there,
and lived and died under this roof
that last day,
and over there is where the sons
played the piano and laughed together
and, later, their loves joined us
under this roof and joined in the laughter
while the pandemic made of our home
a safe island and refuge

I feel all the love with me still
Dad’s love and Mom’s
and the sons’ and their partners’
and the love of the man
who helped make this home
with me

I feel the wholeness
and fulness
of my life
and am grateful
-Karen Molenaar Terrell