Tearing Up at the Sweetness of It

I just have to share this quick glimmer I experienced today in Fred Meyer’s. I put myself in line behind a little family – a mother, a girl of grade school age, and a little boy sitting in the seat in the shopping cart. The little boy was shaking a tube of candy and making it rattle, and he was having such fun with that, I found myself grinning as I watched him. I asked him how old he was – and I held up two fingers and then three – “Two? Three?” He held up three fingers in response, and said, “Three.” I told him my granddaughter was going to be three in a couple months, too. The little boy’s mother turned around and smiled at me then. She knew she was looking at a grandma.

I asked the little girl if she was a big sister, and she smiled and nodded her head. I told her I was a big sister, too – I have two little brothers, and I know what it means to be the “big sister.” I told her I could tell she was a good big sister, and she smiled.

The mother and daughter talked in Spanish for a moment, then I saw the little girl get out her own wallet. The mother had already paid for her groceries, but now the little girl was going to pay herself for her own art supplies. Her mother patiently helped her count out the money – one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten – the total for the purchase had been $9.93 – so now the mother and daughter counted out three pennies, so that the little girl would get a dime back. They carefully put the cash and pennies in the cashier’s hand, and the cashier smiled and placed a dime back in the little girl’s hand.

And I can’t even tell you what there was about this exchange that so touched me, but I found myself tearing up at the sweetness of it.

Six Decades of Friendship

What a wonderfully surreal and fabulous day!

I drove from my home near Bellingham down to Olympia to visit with my FIFTH GRADE TEACHER (!!!) and two of my fifth grade classmates – people I’ve known for almost 60 years, but only reconnected with seven years ago. We hadn’t seen each other in the person since our visit with each other back in 2019 – separated by seven years that included the death of my dad, the death of Sue’s mom, Susan’s marriage to Sam, a new granddaughter for me, and a world-changing pandemic.

And oh! It was so good to be with my grade school people again!

I got to Olympia about an hour early, and thought I’d check out the Olympia Farmer’s Market. I met Talbot, who was selling cool artsy candles, and who, I learned, was a friend of one of my Bellingham friends. (I love these connections!) I bought one of his candles – a little snail – which I plan to light only sparingly. It’s too beautiful to let it melt away.

When I got done exploring the Farmers Market, I gave a call to my brother, Dave, who lives in Olympia. I hadn’t called him before because I’d assumed he’d be doing some ultra marathon running thing this Memorial weekend – but, when he picked up, he told me he’d just finished up shopping downtown and could meet me at the Farmers Market in, like, five minutes! So not only did I get to see my old fifth grade teacher and friends, but I got to have a quick visit with my “little” bro, too! (He suggested I stand on a rock for our picture because he is, like, a foot taller than me.)

A couple of fun people things I have to share:

When I got to Lacey, I exited to make a stop at the Safeway for a mocha and a restroom break. Something happened to me there that I don’t think has ever happened to me before – I stepped out of the women’s restroom at the exact moment a bearded and “flanneled” man of about 40 stepped out of the men’s restroom opposite. We looked at each other and spontaneously grinned. It was one of those awkward moments where you find out if someone has a sense of humor or not. He had a sense of humor. I really appreciated that grin.

I’d parked my car at the Farmer’s Market. When I got back to my car after my visit with my friends, a young family had just arrived at their car, too. I asked the father if I could get back on the freeway by going that direction, and I pointed east. He smiled and came over to me with his phone. He opened up a map on his phone and showed me what route he was going to take to get back on I-5. He was kind and helpful and treated me exactly as I hope my sons treat other lost women of a certain age. I shook his hand and thanked him, and asked his name. He told me he was Maurice. He asked my name and I gave my standard line, “I am, of course, Karen” and he started laughing.

I’d found an old Simon and Garfunkle CD before I’d left home this morning, and now I listened to it on my drive back to Skagit County. “Bridge Over Troubled Water” got me through the traffic jam in Seattle. Simon and Garfunkle’s magic still works!

P.S. Do you see the watercolor in the group photo? That was a painting Dad gave to Sue Lyon’s mom years ago, and Sue gifted it back to me yesterday – she thought it should be reunited with my family. That really touched me.

Not Separated by Time

Went up to Concrete today to pay a visit to the 5b’s Bakery. 5b’s owner, Em, came out of her office and sat down with me for a coze. It was so good to see Em again – she is a remarkable person who’s led a remarkable life, and it’s always fun to talk with her. Em introduced me to her sweet therapy-pup-in-training, Hugo, and gave me the okay to take Hugo’s picture. And a friendly young man named James who hails from NY and works as a forest ranger gave me the okay to take HIS picture, too.

As I drove home from Concrete, I impulsively turned off onto the Baker Lake Road to see what I might see. I ended up at the little Shadow of the Sentinels interpretive trail. This trail holds special memories for me – it was my first hike with my youngest son when he was a week old; when my dad was 100, his care-giver, Gwen, loaded her van with Dad, another man in their adult family home, me, and a couple of wheelchairs and took us all up to the trail because she knew Dad and Joe were in desperate need of a trip to the mountains; and when my granddaughter was not quite one, she’d hiked the trail, too. I was surrounded in sweet memories: Xander trying to focus his new eyes on the trees; Dad pointing to the tops of those trees and checking to make sure I’d gotten a picture of the forest canopy; and my little granddaughter toddling along the boardwalk, holding her mama’s hand, and grinning at her papa who waited for her at the end of the trail – a trail he’d hiked with me when his little brother was just a week old.

And, honestly, it felt like none of those memories were separated from me by time at all – all the love is still with me, and I can still feel the joy of those moments surrounding me in the woods.

For most of my drive home, I had no one behind me or in front of me on the road. It was lovely. I was in my own little bubble.

I stopped off at the Otter Beans Coffee stand for a lavender green iced tea. The young man in front of me in line was fun. He’s a manager for the local casino and took out his phone to show me some of the shows that will be appearing there soon. “Whose Live Anyway?” comedy show is coming soon – that looks like it will be fun.

I brought home more photos, some new memories, and a perfect lavender green iced tea made by Dani.

Wedding Day

March 31, 1984.

You know those shows you see on television where the bride spends HUGE amounts of time, thought, and bucks choosing the just right ring, dress, caterer, flowers, music, photographer, and reception venue for her “big day” – those shows where every minute detail of the wedding production is analyzed, critiqued, and judged for its merits on visual perfection? Where the ceremony is somber and refined and the highlight of the whole shebang is the dress the bride wears?

Yeah. That wasn’t us.

My engagement ring was a little garnet ring I picked out from a small jewelry shop in Pike Place Market in Seattle, and the man who sold it to us was cheerfully, flamboyantly, hilariously gay – he had us cracking up the minute we walked into his shop. My wedding dress was the first dress I tried on from the sales rack at our local Bon Marche. Cost me $120. Our minister was a hoot – we’d met with him for a required counseling session, and when he told us that anything he had to say to us would be pretty much useless at this point – because it’s really only AFTER the wedding that the bride and groom realize what they’ve gotten themselves into (we later learned that he’d just recently been divorced), we immediately recognized the man had a sense of humor, and he was, for sure, the minister we wanted officiating our nuptials.

The wedding was a joyful, light-hearted affair in a small Methodist church in Gig Harbor – I remember the minister asking us if we really wanted to hold the service in his church – it was very small – could maybe hold 100 people – and very old (it’s since been torn down and a larger church built in a different location) – but, for our purposes, that little church was perfect – I liked the cozy smallness of it and the stained glass windows – and from the church’s steps we could look out across the water and see Mount Rainier rising above the hills in the distance. The wedding itself was simple, joyful, and natural. We weren’t too concerned with “perfection” – we just wanted our guests to feel comfortable and loved.

The reception was held in my parents’ backyard – with the sound of laughter, and the smell of daffodils and plum blossoms, filling the air. And we played volleyball in the pasture – the groom’s team won, but it was a close game. The minister came to the reception, and fit right in with our hooligan families and friends. Before he left he told us that sometimes he’s really worried about the future of the newlyweds he marries – they often seem more concerned about the wedding than the actual marriage – but, after watching us yukking it up with our families and friends, he felt good about being a part of our ceremony. He knew we were going to be alright. We knew how to laugh.

***

When I think about that day, I can’t imagine why anyone would want to deny other people the right to a wedding, and to a life-long commitment in marriage with the partner they love. I can’t understand why any couple would feel their own marriage is threatened by allowing others the same rights that they have. I feel a real yearning for other folks who love one another, and are brave enough to make a commitment to each other, to be allowed to have what my husband and I were allowed to have.

When Mama Was Dying

There was a time – almost exactly nine years ago now – when I was terrified and felt like I was facing challenges impossible to overcome. Both my parents were in the hospital – Mom on one floor, Dad on the floor above her. I’d just learned that Mom was not going to be allowed to return to her retirement community apartment because they couldn’t provide the medical care she’d need. I had made calls to assisted living places and to offices that provided in-home nursing care and learned that the cost of my mom’s care – combined with care for Dad – would cost $15,000 or more a month. Their savings might buy them a couple months, but then I might need to get into my own retirement savings to care for them.

And beyond the money terror, I was feeling a deep grief. Mom was dying. My sweet mama was dying. No one would ever love me like Mom loved me, or know me as she had known me. I remember sobbing with hopelessness.

I talked with my husband about our options, and he supported me in my decision to have Mom brought to our home. He agreed to help me care for her. The social workers at the hospital were concerned for me – they kept asking me if this is what I really wanted to do, and I said yes. I didn’t know how we were going to do this – my husband and I were both working full-time then, and I wasn’t sure when we were going to actually be able to sleep. But I knew it was the right thing to do. I felt Love leading me to make this decision for Mom.

Mom was brought by ambulance to my home on President’s Day nine years ago. A hospice nurse from Hospice Northwest came to show Scott and me how to care for Mom. We weren’t sure how long we’d have with her – I think we were told she wasn’t expected to live more than six months – but… I picked up on the signs from the hospice nurse as she examined Mom that we probably didn’t have that long.

Mom and I spent the whole afternoon telling each other how much we loved each other. Mom – who’d always been one of the bravest people I’d ever known – was scared. I can’t remember any other time when I’d seen her scared. She asked me, “What happens when I die? Will I see you again?” And I told her that nothing could separate us from the love we have for each other. Love doesn’t die. I assured her we’d meet again. She nodded her head and seemed to accept my words as the truth. Later, as it got hard for her to speak, I asked her one more time if she loved me – I was greedy. And she looked at me with such intensity – her eyes on mine filled with love – and nodded her head. I will never forget that look in her eyes. I carry it with me still, and it reassures me.

That night I slept on the couch by her hospital bed. I had this beautiful dream full of butterflies and green fields and felt this sense of joy and peace and love brush by me. When I woke from this dream I realized Mom wasn’t struggling to breathe and I thought, “Oh, she’s okay. I don’t need to give her any medication right now.” And I closed my eyes to go back to sleep, and then I realized… I got out of bed and felt my mama, and she was cool. I went upstairs to tell Scott I thought she had passed, but I wasn’t sure. Scott came downstairs and felt her pulse, and said, “Moz is gone, Sweetie.”

The hospice nurse came and walked us through what we needed to do. I’ll always be grateful for our hospice nurses.

But now my thoughts turned to Dad – he was soon to be released from the hospital and I still didn’t know how we were going to give him the care he needed. He was 98 then and suffering from a kind of dementia – and I didn’t feel equipped with the skills to help him. I prayed. I prayed desperate prayers, and I went for a walk to try to find some peace. As I was walking, a rainbow suddenly arched over the field I was passing, and I felt Mom with me.

The social workers at the hospital asked me if I’d ever looked into adult family homes, and gave me a pamphlet with phone numbers. On the second call I felt I’d found the right place for Dad and when my brother and I stopped by to check it out we saw bird feeders and dogs and cats – and we knew Mom would have loved the woman who answered the door. Again, I felt Mom’s presence with us. We’d found the right place for Dad – and within his budget, too!

I learned something from that experience. The answers are always there – even when things seem impossible. I hadn’t known that adult family home even existed the day before – and now here it was! Just waiting for Dad! Love had this place waiting for him!

Dad lived another three years and the people in his adult family home became like family to us. They are still very dear to me.

And I still feel Mom and Dad with me. We’ve never been separated. Nothing can separate us from Love. We’re connected by Love, forever and ever. Amen.

Husband Says

Scotty’s favorite poem in my new book, A Smile from the Cosmos:

Husband Says

“Haikus confuse me.
Too often they make no sense.
Hand me the pliers.”
– Karen Molenaar Terrell

Well, this is cool! There is a bookstore in Minneapolis that’s selling my book online: https://www.magersandquinn.com/…/SMILE-FROM…/29025340

And the Amazon link: Amazon link: https://www.amazon.com/Smile-Cosmos-Poetry…/dp/B0GHQBQZ9G/

All the Good Is Still Here

Quiet and still,
before the family is up,
I turn the lights on
the Christmas tree
and sit in its cheery glow.
I wrap myself all up
in the soft blanket of Love
and feel Her enveloping
the world in peace and hope.

I sip my lemon ginger tea
with honey, and contemplate
Christmases past when the sons
were youngsters, and my parents
were still with us.
Yesterday I was feeling sad
about the absence of parents
and friends who’ve gone on –
but in this moment I feel them
still with me and I hug them all
in my thoughts and smile
at their still-nearness.

Love is never lost.
All the good of then
is still with me here.
Karen Molenaar Terrell

Christmas Lights

It Was Like She Was Right Here, Speaking to Me

Whoah.

So I plucked up a copy of my Christmas book (literally called The Madcap Christian Scientists’s Christmas Book) sitting by my laptop so’s I could look for things to share. And the book flipped to this page and I realized this was the copy I’d given to Moz and Dad when I’d first published it – when they’d passed it had come back to me. And there was a note from Mom! It was like she was right here, speaking to me. I’d really been missing her lately, so to find this message from her felt cosmic to me. I don’t think I’d ever seen this note before – it was like finding a new treasure.

Heaven Everywhere

I admit I was nervous about traveling to LAX this week. I was flying with Alaska Airlines, and they’d had a spot of trouble last week. Also I was concerned there might be a dearth of air traffic controllers – seeing as how these heroic folks haven’t been paid for the last week I wouldn’t have blamed any of them for leaving to find work that would provide them with income. So it was with some trepidation – and a lot of prayer – that I I started my journey to Los Angeles on Tuesday morning.

There had been moments before my trip when I’d had this sense of certainty that Love was with me, preparing my way for me, leading me. I was motivated by Love to travel to California to see my son, daughter-in-law, and grandbaby, and I knew this was a right desire, and could only lead to Good. At those moments, I determined that my mission was to shine love on everyone I encountered on my trip. But, every now and then, a news headline would hit my newsfeed that had me doubting again. There was a battle going on in my thoughts between fear and happy anticipation to see my loved ones again.

My husband drove me the hour and a half to Sea-Tac (bless him!) and dropped me off at the departures door. Now it was just me and Love. It took practically no time to find the security line – and I was, like, the second person in line! I got through the whole security line in probably three minutes!

Once I was on the other side, I went in search of a restroom. There was a flight attendant in the restroom, standing by the sinks, cleaning out her bag – apparently she’d spilled something in it. I asked her if she was going to LAX, and she said she was – I told her we were going to be on the same plane then. Her job, I said, was one of the hardest jobs in the world – flight attendants have to serve and take care of everyone else first, but they’re dealing with the same difficulties as everyone else on the flight. She smiled and nodded and said that yup, we’re all in the same boat together. I asked her if she’d had any problems last week while Alaska Airlines’ technology wasn’t working, and she said she and her crew had been grounded 12 hours someplace. Yikes! But here she was – ready to get on another plane and serve her passengers. Another hero. She indicated – pointing to her bag – she was feeling a little frazzled at the moment, but I told her (and this was true) she totally looked put together, and I felt reassured knowing she was going to be on the plane with me.

An hour later, when I boarded my flight, I saw Sheryl there, greeting people at the door, smiling. I said, “We made it!” and she started laughing.

The flight to Los Angeles was incredibly quick and smooth – I think we landed early. And when I got there, my beautiful daughter-in-law and precious granddaughter were there to pick me up. My daughter-in-law set my little granddaughter down about ten yards away from me and let her race to me, a big grin on her face. I scooped her up and held her close and felt myself in heaven.

I was only in LA for three days – but it was chock full of joy and hope and good people. It was chock full of love. And it was so good to be with my son, daughter-in-law, and grandbaby again.

We went to the neighborhood playground and I climbed the equipment with my grandbaby and enjoyed watching her work her way around the big toys; We stopped at Shawn’s Pumpkin Patch https://shawnspumpkinpatch.com/ , where we met Whitney and Dennis, and I had fun volunteering to take family photos for the other tourists; We strolled down the Santa Monica Pier, and stepped into the photo booth for some pics; We went to the Cafe Gratitude for dinner and met sweet Kiara pup standing in line with her human there; The next day we went to the The Butcher’s Daughter for lunch – that day I was proudly wearing my Mariners shirt and I asked one of the servers if he was a Dodger’s fan – he said no, but I found out he was a Yankees fan, and I had fun talking baseball with him for a quick minute; I bought fresh-squeezed lemonades from Mike at Hot Dog on a Stick in Santa Monica – and I really wanted to give Mike a tip for his genuine kindness to me, but he wouldn’t take one – he graciously allowed me to snap his photo, though, and laughed when I introduced myself as a Boomer named Karen – passing my Karen test; Then my daughter-in-law, grandbaby, and I sat and listened to Ian Bradley and his drummer make music next to the Hot Dog on a Stick restaurant while we sipped our lemonades. I dropped a donation in their box and got thanked and twirled for my humble gift.

The morning of my last day there, my daughter-in-law brought me to a music-in-the-park event for toddlers hosted by the musician, Ryoji. And oh! Once again, I felt I was in heaven. The music, the youngsters, the parents and grandparents and nannies – of every color, race, and ethnicty – enjoying music and dancing together and showing love to one another – isn’t this heaven?!

In the afternoon my son drove me to LAX for my trip back to Sea-Tac. We gave each other big hugs goodbye, reminded each other we’d see each other again soon at Christmas, and I headed for the security line.

I got in line behind a woman who just radiated good will and kindness. I told her I’m always a little nervous about going through security – afraid I’ve accidentally committed some security transgression (this time I accidentally wore my cellphone into the full body scan, but – thank goodness! – the TSA official clocked the cellphone before he scanned me – he said cellphones are 99% of the reason the scanner alarms go off – yikes!). My new friend, Alia, laughed and yawned and said she was too tired to be nervous about that today. We got to talking then, and learned we were both on the same flight to Seattle! How cosmic! I followed Alia through the security line and then we both went separate directions in search of food. But we met up again in the waiting area before we boarded the plane, and got to talking about our families, the goodness of people, and kindness. Heaven again!

I met so many wonderful new friends on my trip! And every place I went I found heaven.

A Letter to Dad, Dee Molenaar, on His 107th Birthday

My dad’s birthday is today. He would have been 107. I’ve put other stuff on my wall about Pop – recycled stories and videos (and have I mentioned Dad is in Wikipedia?) 😃 But I thought I’d gift him with something new for his birthday. He’s not really gone, you see. I still feel his presence here with me – not as a ghost or anything – but I feel his smile with me, his humor and his love.

Daddy, I miss our drives together. I miss the conversations we managed to have, even though we were both hard-of-hearing. I remember you sitting in the passenger seat, your head going back and forth as you took in the landscape, telling me about the geologic history of whatever area we were traveling through, and often saying, “I made a field trip out here for the USGS,” or “I hiked that trail,” or “I climbed that,” or “This would make a good painting.”

One of the greatest gifts you passed on to me was a love for the outdoors, and an appreciation of the natural beauty around us. I followed you up to the summits of Hood and Rainier, Baker and Adams – and when I look at those peaks now I’m sort of in awe that I climbed them – who was I to think I could do that?!

I was Dee Molenaar’s daughter, that’s who.

You instilled a confidence in myself that’s gotten me through some really challenging years. Thank you for that gift, too.

Through your travels and connections you met some amazing, fearless people. Your community of fellow adventurers was filled with brave, heroic visionaries. You introduced me to people of all races and all major religions, and exampled for me what it means to love the world’s people without bigotry or discrimination. As a youngster, I hiked with Tenzing Norgay! As a twelve-year-old, I ran a mile down our country road with Doris Brown!! Governor Evans came to our house to borrow climbing equipment one time. And it wasn’t out-of-the-ordinary for me to pick up the phone and find myself talking to Edmund HIllary. You were comfortable moving among both the famous and the not, and always enjoyed meeting new “mountain people.”

You could be stubborn. You could be critical. You could be bossy. But I always knew you loved me. I always felt your support. You let me know you were proud of me. I’m glad I had you for my Pop.

Happy birthday, Daddy!

(Photos: My feet next to Dad’s – I think this was on our climb of Mount Hood when I was 15; a screenshot of what came up when I googled “Dee Molenaar”; Dad, my brother, Pete, and I on Mount Rainier.)