A Feeling That Can’t Be Boxed and Labeled

So yesterday I’m eating breakfast by myself at the Harris Cafe. Some young folks come in and sit at the table next to me – two women and a man probably in their early twenties. And, of course, I’m listening into their conversation. And they’re funny and laughing at themselves and supportive of each other and they’ve got that energy, you know? And I find myself sitting there with a big grin on my face – just soaking in the joy.

After I’m done with my breakfast, as I get up to leave, I just have to stop and say something to these young ‘uns. So I turn to them and explain that I’m a retired high school teacher and the mother of two sons who are now all grown up – and that I’ve been missing the energy of young people. I tell them how much I’ve enjoyed their kindness to each other and their laughter. And they smile these warm, open smiles back at me, and nod their heads in understanding, and one of the women says, “Thank you!” and “You need to call your son!”

I ended up going to a movie, “Blackberry,” with my youngest son and his wife yesterday afternoon. And that was so fun! And then when I got home I called my oldest son in Australia and videochatted with him – I told him the story of meeting the three young people at the restaurant and told him I was obeying the orders of the young woman who told me to call my son. We had a wonderful chat together – and laughed and hugged each other over the phone. It was good.

And now I’m sitting here smiling and crying simultaneously. I do this a lot lately. There’s a feeling that can’t be put into a nice neat box and labeled “sad” or “happy” or “bad” or “good.” It’s deeper than all of those things. It goes beyond “bad” or “good.” It just IS.

Sitting next to those young people yesterday – soaking up their energy – was a gift for me.
-Karen Molenaar Terrell

“When the heart speaks, however simple the words, its language is always acceptable to those who have hearts.”
-Mary Baker Eddy, “Heart to “Heart” in Miscellaneous Writings

An Evening Walk Around the Block

I step out of the door for a walk
around the block
and am instantly surrounded in the magic
of a spring evening in the ‘hood –
immersed in birsong and frogsong
and the fragrance of spring flowers
as the cool air embraces them
and in the sky a star twinkles at me
connecting me to the divine –
to a cosmos bigger than my problems,
enveloping me in Its peace and joy

I am a part of something amazing
-Karen Molenaar Terrell

Blue Cosmos (photo by Karen Molenaar Terrell)

A Holy and Beautiful Thing

On this day six years ago – and it was a Monday then, too – my mom was brought by ambulance to our home to begin hospice. We weren’t sure how much time we had left with Mom. I wasn’t sure how we were going to make this work – Scott and I were still working full-time then and we planned on taking turns caring for Mom, but we hadn’t, exactly, figured out when we were going to sleep. We just threw ourselves into this and trusted that it would all work out. We didn’t want Mom to be brought from the hospital to an institution where she’d be surrounded by strangers. We wanted her here with us. It felt right.

Mom and I spent the day telling each other how much we loved each other. At one point she became very tired – too tired to talk – but I was greedy and asked her, once again, if she loved me. Her eyes fastened on me and the look she gave me was pure love- I still see that look in her eyes at times when I need to remember her love.

I went to bed at 9:00 to sleep for a few hours while Scott took the first shift. I’d just fallen asleep when Scott came up to the bedroom to tell me that Mom wanted to talk to me.

I came downstairs and saw Mom sitting up from the hospital bed with a grin on her face. She looked all excited, like she was going to a party or something. I explained to her that I was going to sleep for a little bit, but that I’d come down to be with her at midnight. I told her she wasn’t going to be alone. One of us was going to be with her all the time. She grinned and said, “Okay!”

When I came down at midnight, Moz was sleeping. I gave her some medication when I first came down and some more an hour and half later. I stretched out on the couch next to Mom’s hospital bed to rest a little. About 3:00 in the morning I had this beautiful dream of green fields and rolling hills and butterflies – my dream was full of joy. And I felt something brush by me – touch me – and I felt love and peace as this presence brushed by me.

I woke up then. Mom wasn’t struggling to breathe and I thought, “Oh, I don’t need to give her any medication.” I started to go back to sleep and then… I realized. I got up and felt her and she was starting to feel cool. I went upstairs and got Scott and told him I thought Moz had passed. But I wasn’t sure. There’s such a thin veil between this life and whatever comes after. Scott came down and felt her pulse and told me, “Moz is gone, Sweetie.”

We called hospice, and a nurse came out and talked us through what happened next. I’ll be forever grateful to Hospice of the Northwest for their help through this process.

Moz’s passing was one of the most holy and beautiful things I’ve ever experienced. I’m so grateful that we brought her into our home that last day.
-Karen Molenaar Terrell

(Pictured below: Mom and Einstein.)

Moz and Einstein.

Nothing Can Stop the Joy

inside the twirling house
in Wizard of Oz
tilting and spinning around in circles
without a pause
scared and alone in the dark
the walls and floorboards
creaking and popping
and then suddenly
I’m bopping and hopping
to Alison Krauss’s rendition
of “I Will” in an irredescent bubble
of joy and peace
floating above the troubled rubble
until it gets smaller and smaller
and disappears into the nothing it is
and I see all there is,
or ever has been, is Love,
and nothing can stop the joy
-Karen Molenaar Terrell

That’s My God

Others talk of an admonishing god –
a lecturing god,
an angry and exasperated god –
a strict father who gives eternal
time-outs to his children in hell.

But I have the God I need –
Father and Mother,
smiling on me
laughing with me
protecting and guiding me
through Life’s playground,
taking my hands and swinging
me and spinning me
over the bumps until I’m
laughing so hard with
my Father-Mother-Friend
that I have tears on my face.

Yeah. That’s my God.
-Karen Molenaar Terrell

(Photo by Karen Molenaar Terrell.)



Or Alternatively

I want to hibernate – just go to sleep
until we’re all together again –
only be awake for those moments
when you’re all near.
Maybe I can function while I sleep –
look like I’m awake and appear
to do all the things that society
requires of me – until your return.

Or…

Alternatively, I could fill those waiting
moments with love and joy –
I might as well, right?
And then when we all meet again
one day around the family table
I’ll have something valuable
to share – I’ll be ready and able.

-Karen Molenaar Terrell

This Is God Talking to Me

I’m praying, but I can’t seem to find God
in my thoughts. I can’t hear Her voice.
It’s 3:00 in the morning when I head
downstairs to read. I sit on the couch
and pull a blanket around me and open
my book. Timid black cat jumps onto
the couch and slowly moves closer to me
until I pull him next to me and he lays
down, belly-up, trusting me, expecting
kindness, and his trust fills me with joy.
And I realize that this is God talking to me.
I pet his belly and click on Facebook’s
messenger on my phone and see
new messages waiting for me.
I open them and find words of love
and comfort and caring and connection
in the voices of my friends.
And I know that this is God talking to me.
The night is still, but I can feel it gently
pulsing with Life and Love. And I am
enveloped in the joy of be-ing.
This is God talking to me.

-Karen Molenaar Terrell

Blue Cosmos (photo by Karen Molenaar Terrell)

Today I Chose Joy

I woke up to find out that someone(s) had attempted to steal from me – long story involving trickery and someone posing as me in an email. Anyway. At first I was freaked out by this. But then this weird thing happened. I felt this kind of detached calm about it all. I took the steps I needed to take to to try to fix the problem, and then got in my car and drove up to Bellingham for a nice walk on the boardwalk. The sky still had pink in it when I got up there. There were goldeneye ducks and seagulls and cool patterns in the bay. Everyone I passed gave me a friendly smile for a smile. It was lovely.

I stopped at the Colophon and as soon as I walked in the hostess/server asked me if I’d like my favorite peach Arnold Palmer drink – she recognized me! And then she led me back to my favorite seat in the corner. I ordered some avocado toast and sipped my peach tea and just soaked up the happy vibes.

It came to me that I was in control of how I was going to feel. The person who had attempted to steal from me wasn’t the boss of me, and had no say in how I was going to feel about my day.

The server gave me another peach tea to take with me when I left, and I left a big tip in appreciation for the friendly kindness I’d felt at the restaurant – a reminder of all the good folks in the world with me.

Shakespeare wrote: “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” And I saw how true that was today. I could choose to be all ruffled and affronted at the way my morning had started. Or I could choose to find joy for myself.

Life isn’t “out to get me.” Life is good.

(Photo below is of a goldeneye duck on Bellingham Bay this morning. Photo by Karen Molenaar Terrell.)

Christmas Has Landed in My heart!

It’s 3:00 in the morning when I awake
to find it arrived while I slept!
Christmas has landed in my heart!
I slip out of the bedroom
and go downstairs and the cats
greet me in the hall.
I think they feel it, too.
I plug in the Christmas lights
above the mantel and settle
into my chair near the woodstove.
Black cat rubs his head against my hand.
Calico cat jumps up in the chair
next to mine and tucks her paws
underneath her and closes her eyes –
we are enjoying each other’s company.
The Christmas lights sparkle off
the smooth surfaces around me.
I sing “Silent Night” to the cats
and they turn to me and listen.
Magic is here! Incredible good beyond
imagining is here and more on its way!
Peace! Joy! Love! Hope!
It’s here! It’s here! It’s here!

-Karen Molenaar Terrell

Christmas Lights