Journey Through Clinical Depression

My contribution to Mental Health Awareness Month:

In 2007 I began my journey through a massive clinical depression. At the time I was going through the depression I didn’t see an end to it – I was afraid I was going to spend the rest of my life in the darkness. I felt hopeless, helpless, and full of guilt and fear. I contemplated ending my life, lost my appetite, and felt like I’d lost myself, too. In desperation, I turned to God, to the power of Love, to guide me through the darkness.

I learned a lot during this time. I learned not to battle the waves, but to surf on top of them. I learned that if I could love I had a reason to live. I learned I could be happy even when I was sad. I learned to focus on now and move from moment-to-moment, step-by-step. At some point I recognized that the mortal mind posing as me wasn’t really any part of me – my real Mind was God, Love. Being able to separate the counterfeit mind from my real Mind was hugely helpful to me. How could I lose my mind when my Mind was God?

And when, in a year, I came out the other side into the light, I recognized my own strength, and the tender love God has for me, and for all Her creation. I came out of the depression with a fearlessness that I hadn’t had going into it. I felt reborn.

I think I needed that experience in my life – it helped prepare me for the challenges my world is facing right now. At the time it seemed like the worst thing I’d ever experienced. Now, looking back, I realize what a wonderful blessing it was to me.

I’m so glad I didn’t end my life all those years ago. Look at all the things I would have missed! – all the sunrises and sunsets and new friends and adventures and daughters-in-law and a grandbaby!

If you’re going through what I went through 17 years ago, please know there IS a way through. The light DOES come again. Please know that you matter. You are important to this world. We need all the love you have to give. We need your kindness. Know you can be happy even when you’re sad. Know you are loved.

“If This Isn’t Nice, I Don’t Know What Is.”

Kurt Vonnegut said, “I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, ‘If this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is.'”

And this morning I took notice. This morning was magic – from beginning to end – this morning was magic:

I decided today would be a good day to make my monthly drive to La Conner and pay my broadband bill. As I was getting in my car to head out, I had my first snow geese sighting of the year – a flock of them flew right over our house!

I stopped on the way to La Conner to take a quick walk on the Padilla Bay Dike Trail, and saw a blue heron flapping around a couple of egrets – that was very cool – I don’t often see egrets up here. And I don’t think I’ve ever seen them with a heron.

Jolyne and Jeri were both manning the broadband office today – I always enjoy seeing them every month – they are a comedy team. Jolyne was talking today about starting a “J and J” podcast and I would watch that, for sure.

After I paid my bill I headed towards the La Conner boardwalk for a walk along the Swinomish Channel. On my way to the boardwalk I spotted a squirrel hopping along the street, one of the last of this year’s dragonflies, and a bee on the last of this year’s flowers. I met a man named Don on the boardwalk, in La Conner for a reunion with some of his friends from the Seattle University class of 1962. As we chatted I found out he’d grown up in Winlock – he didn’t think I would have even heard of Winlock – but, coincidentally, I have a couple of friends who grew up there! It was fun to find that connection.

I hadn’t been planning this, but when I got to the Calico Cafe, I decided to turn in there for lunch. I asked for a seat outside, and the hostess led me to a nice seat in the sunshine where I could watch the seagulls and pigeons winging over the water, and the fishing boats motoring by on the channel. The hostess was cheery and helpful and brought me a mocha and punched my espresso card while I waited for the waitress.

It was perfect out there – just the right temperature – I could feel the sun warming my back. I felt safe and happy. I had everything I needed in that moment. And I looked around at all the life going on around me – the birds and the people and the little ladybug in the potted plants. Such joy!

When Kaya, the waitress, came for my order, I ordered a pesto froccacia scramble – scrambled eggs full of spinach, tomatoes, feta cheese, and focaccia bread. When Kaya brought it out, I just looked at the beauty of it for a moment. Took a picture of it with Kaya – I told her she had to be in the picture, too – and she graciously let me include her in the photo. I asked Kaya her name and she told me and then I told her my name was (pause for dramatic effect) “Karen” and she started laughing, passing my Karen Test.

Two women came into the outside dining area with a little girl skipping along behind them. The way the little girl approached life just tickled me. She was just so happy to be there. I chatted to the women and found out that they were sisters and the little girl was the daughter of one of them.

Kaya came up to give me a box for my leftovers and to give me my bill. I told her everything was just perfect. I was enjoying one of life’s perfect moments. She smiled and got a little teary and thanked me for sharing that.

As I got up to leave the mother of the little girl turned and wished me a good day, and I told her then that I love the way her little girl approached life – just so happy.

As I walked back to my car I passed a couple on the sidewalk and said, “Isn’t it a perfect day?” And they smiled and agreed it was.

I stopped to wave to the balcony of the apartment where Mom and Dad used to live, and felt Moz waving back to me. I felt her walking with me in Love.

This morning was perfect. And I’m so glad I let myself be conscious of that.

Right Here; Right Now

I had this moment of clarity today –
everything stilled within me
and I realized
I didn’t have to be
anywhere else
or be doing
anything else
or be
anyone else
or wait for
any other time –
I had everything I needed
to be happy
right there,
right then,
in that moment.
Whoah.
-Karen Molenaar Terrell.

Today Let’s Accept the Joy

There will always be things
to worry about
But right now I feel joy
Every chapter has new  challenges –
something to fear and some fear
to overcome
But today I feel joy
Worries will always be with us
if we pay them the time
But in this moment I feel joy.

We did good, you and I – we did good
We worked and met the challenges,
made a home and raised a fine family
and, though there are still worries
waiting for us down the road,
let’s take a moment and rejoice in
what we have and where we are
and what we’ve done with our lives.
Today let’s accept the joy.

– Karen Molenaar Terrell

JOY

 

I Discovered

Image

i-discovered

Happy for the Fun of It

Happy for the fun of it…:)

happy for the fun

I love this clip of a happy penguin that came through Facebook today – there he is, hopping around in the snow while the grown-ups stand there watching him. No one else is joining him in his frolic – but he doesn’t care if he’s hopping around alone. He doesn’t need any reason to be happy. He doesn’t need others to be happy with him.  He’s just happy for the sheer fun of it…

 

In the World’s Battle For Joy…

… here’s my contribution today – the joys of life that never fail to put a smile on my face…

stuff that makes me happy

photos by Karen Molenaar Terrell