In 2007 I began my journey through a massive clinical depression. At the time I was going through the depression I didn’t see an end to it – I was afraid I was going to spend the rest of my life in the darkness. I felt hopeless, helpless, and full of guilt and fear. I contemplated ending my life, lost my appetite, and felt like I’d lost myself, too. In desperation, I turned to God, to the power of Love, to guide me through the darkness.
I learned a lot during this time. I learned not to battle the waves, but to surf on top of them. I learned that if I could love I had a reason to live. I learned I could be happy even when I was sad. I learned to focus on now and move from moment-to-moment, step-by-step. At some point I recognized that the mortal mind posing as me wasn’t really any part of me – my real Mind was God, Love. Being able to separate the counterfeit mind from my real Mind was hugely helpful to me. How could I lose my mind when my Mind was God?
And when, in a year, I came out the other side into the light, I recognized my own strength, and the tender love God has for me, and for all Her creation. I came out of the depression with a fearlessness that I hadn’t had going into it. I felt reborn.
I think I needed that experience in my life – it helped prepare me for the challenges my world is facing right now. At the time it seemed like the worst thing I’d ever experienced. Now, looking back, I realize what a wonderful blessing it was to me.
I’m so glad I didn’t end my life all those years ago. Look at all the things I would have missed! – all the sunrises and sunsets and new friends and adventures and daughters-in-law and a grandbaby!
If you’re going through what I went through 17 years ago, please know there IS a way through. The light DOES come again. Please know that you matter. You are important to this world. We need all the love you have to give. We need your kindness. Know you can be happy even when you’re sad. Know you are loved.
It’s only 2:00 pm and I’ve already had, like, a month’s worth of tears, beauty, and magic in this one day.
I woke up at 6:00 and immediately felt impelled to leave the house and explore and connect. It felt imperative. I can’t explain that for anyone who’s never felt it – but I figure some of you will understand.
I ended up in downtown Mount Vernon. It was probably only 7:30 or so at this point, and the streets were empty and the shops closed. I wandered down the length of First Street until I found myself at the Co-op. It was open. I bought myself a mocha and a blueberry strudel and took them upstairs to a table to sit and think. I sat facing the painting of my old friend, John “Peace Wizard” Bromet, who died in 2023. And I started sobbing. Not so’s anyone could hear me or anything. But my face scrunched up and the tears rolled down my cheeks. I can’t tell you what I was feeling right then – I’m not even sure myself. I think I was feeling a sense of loss, but… I think John’s portrait also sort of bolstered me. It was like I could feel him there with me, smiling and encouraging me.
I finished my strudel and started the trek back to my car, with the vague notion that I should head for the tulip fields.
I ended up at Tulip Time. I was one of the first ones to drive through the gates this morning.
The tulip fields were beautiful, of course – I think I’ll make another post just with tulip pictures – but the people I met this morning at Tulip Town were even more beautiful than the flowers.
In all the years I’ve lived in the Skagit Valley and have visited Tulip Town, I’d never before ridden in the Tulip Town trolley. But today I did! Mike drove us around the perimeter of the field and, sitting up high in the trolley, I had a vantage point I’d never had of the fields before. I waved to the other tulip tourists from the trolley, like I was on a parade float or something. And they waved back! It was cool.
As I was circling the field, I came upon a father trying to take a photo of his large family. I thought maybe he had a timer so he could include himself in the photo, but then I realized he didn’t – so I asked if I could take a photo of all of them. He agreed and handed me his camera. I learned that he and his wife and son were from Sammamish, and the rest of his family was visiting from India. One of the women had wrapped her whole head up in a scarf so only her eyes peeked out – and I learned that she’d just arrived from India yesterday where it was more than 100 degrees Fahrenheit. She was, understandably, cold. But she was also laughing at herself for being all wrapped up in her scarf. This family was fun. I welcomed the visitors from India to the States, and apologized for the cold. They all graciously posed for me in the tulips so that I could take a photo for myself of my new friends.
Just past the family from Sammamish and India, I saw a sweet pup smiling at me. Hallie’s human gave me permission to take her photo.
On the other side of the field I came upon a young man donned in a graduation hat and robe. HIs mom was with him to take a photo of him for his senior picture. Kaden was graduating from Bremerton High School, and he explained that what had brought him to the Skagit Valley for his senior picture were the tulip fields. He came from a military family, he said, and had lived all around the world – and he remembered the tulip fields that had been near Amsterdam when his father had been stationed there. I asked Kaden if I could take a photo of him, too, and he gave me the okay.
I went inside the Tulip Town gift shop, and browsed for a bit. I saw a woman trying to take a selfie in front of a display of red tulips, and asked her if I could take her picture for her. She nodded her head and handed me her cellphone and I snapped a picture, and then she put her arm around my shoulders and pulled me in for a photo of the two of us! That was pretty fun. I asked her if I could take a photo of the two of us with my camera and she nodded her head. When I asked her name, she used her cellphone to translate her words and explained that she didn’t speak English well – she was originally from China – and her name was Kelly.
And see? That’s what’s so cool about our tulip fields – we don’t have to travel around the world to meet people from different nations and cultures – people from different nations and cultures come here! Today I met a young man who wanted to be near tulip fields because he’d once lived in Amsterdam; I met a family visiting from India; and I met a woman who’d originally come from China.
I understand now why I’d felt impelled to leave my house this morning. Look at all the magic that was waiting for me “out there”!
Below: John “Peace Wizard” Bromet; Viral and his family; Kelly and me; Kaden in his graduation robe; sweet Hallie pup.
Feeling unsettled. What’s going on? Scared of what might come. Don’t think ahead. Focus on now. Okay. Can you breathe? Yes. Then do that. Be grateful for that. Can you sing? Yes. Then use your voice and sing yourself a song. Can you love? Yes. Then love. Love like there’s no tomorrow. Love like there’s only now. Okay. Feeling better? Yes. Thank you, Karen. Any time. I’m always here. -Karen Molenaar Terrell
She was trying to understand the unfathomable – trying to find a reason and cause for the hate and insanity the greed and racism, willful ignorance and inanity. And finally she realized she was looking at it upside-down: Trying to find a source for a story that’s not true is like trying to find the reason fairies exist or hobbits live in her shoe; It’s like asking why Road Runner and Wiley Coyote are always in a fight; It’s like trying to find the source for darkness instead of turning on a light. – Karen Molenaar Terrell
I wake in the early hours of the morning – all is still and dark. I try to identify my feelings. I am scared. I’m scared for the people detained unlawfully in prisons. I fear for those in danger in lands at war, and in my own nation. I’m scared.
I reach my thoughts out to my God, to Love.
The voice says, “I’m Here.”
Like, “I’m here with you.” But also like, “I am Here – that is My name.” And I respond, “I’m here, too.”
And for just a moment I have a glimmer of the God Who is Here – all-present, filling all space, always, with no possibility of separation between Creation and Creator. I see nothing can separate any of us from Love – not governments, nor presidents, nor kings, nor war.
I feel a weight lift from me. I feel the power of Love with all Creation and know no one is outside the power of that Power – the power of Here.
I wrap myself up in the peace of the early hours of the morning and rest in the arms of Love.
I just got another review for Cosmic Connections: Sharing the Joy. I so appreciate the folks who take the time to write reviews for my books. If you’re a writer, I think you’ll understand. I don’t write for money or fame. I write to connect – to help people know they’re not alone. Positive reviews help me feel that connection we have to one another.
Amazon has a weird rating system. I have six ratings now for Cosmic Connections – five of them are five-star ratings and three of those have reviews with them. I also have one one-star rating. The one-star rating doesn’t come with a review or an explanation or even a name. But somehow that one-star rating holds more weight than the five five-star ratings. That one one-star rating is worth 25% of my whole average. I’ve asked Amazon about this, but have gotten no response.
So if you read my book and liked it and wanted to write a review for it, I think it would be way cool to flood Amazon with positive reviews and see how they get around THAT.
Here’s the latest review – Mama Bear writes: “This book is so positive, so uplifting and so authentic. The author shows us how a simple act of kindness, a smile and a little love can set the tone for a person’s day. I’m ordering the next 2 books in this series soon. I highly recommend these books!!”
Scott drops me off at SeaTac. I follow a family with young children – they look like they know what they’re doing. Somehow I end up in front of them in the security check line. I turn around and tell them I was following them because it looked like they knew where to go and they started laughing. No, they tell me, they don’t know what they’re doing. I show them my passport, clutched tightly in my hand, and tell them I’m constantly checking to make sure I have it with me. The mom starts laughing and says she’s checking even as she’s holding it in her hand.
I sit next to a blond woman with a friendly smile, all dressed in pink. My instincts tell me she’ll be fun to chat with. And she is! I learn she’s a manager for Claire’s going to LA for training and we talk about traveling and trips we’ve taken.
I need to stretch my legs and go into the waiting area next to mine. I see an amazing sunrise through the window and go over to take a photo. I apologize to the young man sitting near me for getting in his space and he smiles and says it’s no problem and it is a nice sunrise. I ask him where he’s flying and he says Hawaii. A couple sitting across from him asks me where I’m going and I tell them Los Angeles. “La La Land,” the man says and I tell him I’m going to see my grandbaby. The couple get big smiles and nod their heads in the universal understanding of grandparents for grandparents.
The woman in front of me as we go up the ramp to board the plane starts singing, “I’m leaving on a jet plane…” and I finish for her, “…don’t know when I’ll be back again.” She turns around with a big grin on her face and says, “Exactly!” I follow her and her husband down the aisle and learn they are my seat mates! Cosmic!
As we fly south, we chat and I learn they’re flying to Chile and from there to other places and will be gone for a month. Of course, not long into our conversation I happen to mention my dad is in Wikipedia for mountain climbing and Cathy, who has an app that lets her connect to the internet, looks him up. We talk about weddings and children, trips we’ve taken, and places we’ve lived. When the plane lands I tell her I’m so glad I got her for a seat mate because you never know who you’re going to end up with and she nods and starts laughing.
I wave to the security guard as I head for baggage claim and he smiles and waves back. And there’s my son waiting for me! So good to be with him again!
Christina and little Linh join us at the Gratitude Cafe for lunch. Linh is just waking up from a nap, and it takes a while before she notices me and then she gets a big grin on her face. Oh joy!
Later Christina gives me a tour of Venice Beach. Little Linh is running ahead of us and, literally, runs into a woman with a baby stroller. And this is how we meet Raven and her beautiful little two month-old baby. Her baby, Ariana, was born prematurely – at just 30 weeks- and she’s really tiny – the big pink bow on her head is almost as big as she is. But Raven tells us that she’s more than doubled in size since she was born – she weighed two pounds at birth and now weighs five!
Raven is so fun – animated and full of love – and I ask her if I can take her picture. She laughs and poses for me while I snap my camera.
It’s only day one, and look how many cool new friends I’ve made!
I went in search of joy – trusting Love to lead me to treasure beyond compare. I found birds – cormorants, ducks, swans, and geese – calmly doing what birds do and it brought me peace. Joy!
I passed by places where I’d spent time with loved ones and happy memories filled my soul and made me smile. I remembered the love and found the love was with me still. Joy!
I passed a woman with a bag of belongings on her back and asked her if she needed a ride. She pushed her bag in my car and got into the passenger seat. I asked her if she was hungry and we went to the espresso stand to find her something to eat. The barista understood what we were doing and gave my new friend extra crackers and we smiled conspiratorial kindness at each other. Joy!
And as I drove my passenger to her next destination she told me that God had sent her on her journey today with a message she’d had to deliver to someone up the road. And it came to me then that she’d been a message delivered by Love to ME today to help lighten my load. Joy!
I went in search of treasure today – looking for the things that bring me joy. I parked down near the Alaska Ferry Terminal in Fairhaven and walked up to 11th Street. Stopped in at Village Books and bought myself an anthology of Mary Oliver poems – joy! Then walked back down to Fairhaven Coffee, hoping I’d find Kenzie barista-ing to give her a copy of my latest book (she’s in it) – and she was there! Kenzie is studying to be a social studies teacher – and I was a social studies teacher for a good chunk of my career – so we talked shop for a while – joy! I walked up to the trail to the dog park and walked through the rookery – remembering when those nests were full of squawking tuft-headed babies – the memories brought me joy! Then I walked down to Marine Park and sat on the block where my 100-year-old dad had once sat and remembered our time together there – joy!
I took Chuckanut home. I passed a woman walking on the side of the road with a big bag full of her belongings. I pulled over to ask her if she needed a ride. She described where she needed to go in Burlington and I told her I could take her there, so she got in the car and I headed towards Burlington. On the way, I asked her if she was hungry. She said she’d had a banana today. I told her I could buy her something to eat at the Otter Bean Espresso down the road.
Ali was working at the espresso stand today, and I introduced her to my guest and explained that I wanted to buy her a meal. Ali’s face lit up. She went through the food options for my guest, who ended up choosing a cup of chili and a mocha. When Ali handed my new friend’s chili to her she let her know she’d added some extra crackers. Ali and I smiled big smiles at each other and I thanked her – joy!
I brought my new friend to her destination and then continued on to Fred Meyer’s for some quick shopping.
I ran into my old friend, Kim, from Youthnet there and we exchanged greetings. Then, as I was leaving, I saw Kelly, the parent of one of my former eighth graders, coming towards the store. Kelly was literally glowing with joy. She said she was there to work on fundraising for Meals on Wheels. She said working with that organization was something that meant a lot to her – it felt good to be part of it. Joy!
What an amazing day Love gave me today – so many gifts! So many opportunities for joy!
Mary Baker Eddy wrote in Science and Health (p. 107): “God had been graciously preparing me during many years for the reception of this final revelation of the absolute divine Principle of scientific mental healing.”
What did this “gracious” preparation look like? Well, let’s see… she was widowed at the age of 22, when she was pregnant with her only child. Her son was taken from her when he was four and she didn’t see him again until he was grown. Her second husband was a philanderer and they divorced. She suffered from debilitating illness from an early age. And at the age of 45 she slipped on an icy sidewalk and was so severely injured the doctor declared she was dying.
Maybe God has been “graciously preparing” all of us for what we’re facing now. Think back to all the challenges you’ve faced – the times you were terrified, the times when things seemed hopeless – and then remember the Father-Mother Love that brought you through. Remember the healings. “Hold fast to that which is good.” (Thessalonians 5:21).
I think Love has been preparing all of us – each in our own way, each with our own lessons, giving each of us our own gifts to use right now.
Adventures of the Madcap Christian Scientist 